Chaos Attraction

Grievances Will Be Aired

2023-12-17, 10:36 p.m.

Took the full clonidine pill at midnight, it had no effect on me staying asleep through the night and I got about 2-ish hours again :( Very disappointing. I'll have to take two tonight and see how that goes, but it's irritating to have to keep upping the dose and go through the stash faster. I wonder what happens if this one has no effect whatsoever even with two. I'll be really disappointed. God, just every night I'm at 2-4 hours now, it's gotten worse since last week. Bleah. I tried to doze in bed but who knows if that does anything.

Today I went to the local craft fair with Dawn and Mary Moore. It was the latter's first time and she was having fun. I wore a Baby Yoda sweater and my new pin from Dawn and Dawn wore her Christmas Chewbacca onesie, which were big hits with people. I tried to find anything boring for my mom, but this is an awesome craft fair with things I would like and not her. I just wanted things for me and not her. It drives me nuts that I find so many things I want to buy for people because they are so cool, except I know nobody who would want those things that I have to gift. I ended up buying myself a rainbow pouch, which I absolutely do not need but could not leave there. (Rae showed up after I left and was unhappy I'd gone by then, but at that point I wasn't coming back.) It was fun, had fun conversations with people, I just wish I could have bought more stuff. But good for me for not getting a lot like usual, I suppose?

You know what, I truly can't shop for normal people who like normal boring things. I'm tired of trying to think of what my mother might like for Christmas. You can't get her food (because she bitches about getting fat), wine (doesn't drink), or gift cards (people then know how much you are worth to them). She's a hoarder and needs NOTHING, if you ask her what she wants she has no idea, she shops all the time and gets her own stuff. She doesn't really have hobbies. I've gone shopping with her twelve billion times and what I would pick out for her somehow still isn't what she would pick for herself. Every. Year. I Am. Stumped. I was going to try to get her some kind of relatively cheap jewelry, but didn't really see anything and gave up. I asked her again today what she wanted and she said she can't think of anything.

I MEANT to work on people's presents this afternoon in between activities, but did I do that? Nooooo. My brain is unfortunately refusing to do anything more complicated right now :/ I texted William for a long time about medical stuff and advising him to throw more fits if he has to to also get sleep meds, then Joshua who is back from all his trips. I also figured out what Cameron's getting for Christmas--usually I order her some yarn but frankly I didn't see anything I loved for her out there (also, she makes her own stuff so not DIY'ing that) so I got her a pouch that says "Introverted but willing to discuss yarn" and then some stickers with books and moons and things off Etsy. Good job, me. Meg is in town but cleaning, so who knows if I'll see her or not, 'nuff said there. Said to re-check circa Wednesday since Monday and Tuesday are now booked. Heard from (Redhead) Sarah, so that's good. Told her about considering sending a letter and she sent a "Festivus Is Coming: Grievances Will Be Aired" meme, love it.

Oh yeah, and I got the "you haven't been here in a long time" coupon from Scott's store *facepalm* so I don't know how to handle THAT one. Expires on the 27th.

Tonight Dawn and Loretta and I went out and looked at lights. There were a lot more in this town than I would have expected. There's one "big" house in town that had a fabulously good lights display. Like they had one of those star-light tower things, but projected straight up hippopotamuses, donkeys, crocodiles, Santas, ALL THE DETAILS of the Christmas songs on it. I'm seriously considering going back there and trying to film them since nobody else has appeared to do so online and they were SO detailed, it was amazing. I also saw a lit up VW bus with Santa and Buddy the elf inside. Adorable.

I have debating whether or not to send the letter to Scott. I have until tomorrow morning to put it in the mail and make the decision. I looked at how long it takes to get there (1-5 days, who knows) and now that I saw he has show stuff for most of the week, maybe he doesn't even see it in the mail for awhile. I actually debated trying to send it with some kind of tracking number that I could see if it delivered, but then he'd probably be aware of that, they might ask for a signature, etc. and fuck all of that for obvious reasons.

Like, I COULD JUST EMAIL ALL OF THIS SHIT and have it get to him faster...assuming he checks his email, I dunno how often that is since I don't write him any more. But I don't know about making it that immediate to just...send something he might see right off. But at the same time it could just get lost in the mail or he doesn't check the mail until Christmas or whatever either. Ugh, I don't know, I'm a crazy person here and I am not exactly thinking super clear. Maybe I need the smelling salts from Oklahoma to see clearer :P

Every time I see him it's like things are fine and normal again and it confuses me. I feel like I am going to dump crazy if I say anything--which I am--and then I start reconsidering, which is the headgame I was in on the way home last night. Reconsidering because things "felt" normal. But really, I should just...get it over with already. If I set it on fire, I set it on fire, what's there to damage left.

Fine. I put it in the mail tonight. So be it. If he doesn't get it, doesn't respond, whatever, at least I got my poison crap out of my head and got it over with.

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