Chaos Attraction

Not Getting Enough Stuff Done

2023-12-21, 9:56 p.m.

Sleep report: tried half a trazadone and didn't have any major "up the rest of the night" wakeups, did seven hours. Pretty good. (I note Melinda told me later she tried clonidine and it really only works for 30% of people.)

IOP: today was planning for your meltdown: what sets you off, what can you do to take a break/get support/deal with the stress in the moment. It was geared towards work, which obviously I approved of, but when we were asked to come up with our own plan, I imagined what my next meeting will be--the firing one, obviously--and then got...kinda that, obviously. I asked what I was supposed to do in the moment when I'm not supposed to be bothered and the lady was all, "Well, screw it, you're going to get fired, do you have to hold it together?" which, good point there.

After that, I went over to Meg's for two hours. There are just tons and tons of family members at the house(briefly talked to Sarah), and then they are all going over to Santa Cruz on the 26th. Good luck fitting everyone in the house. We did needle felting of ornaments and I made about six or so. I told her all the drama, also about you-know-who, she was all, "you shouldn't have told him you don't want a response, he won't do it," I said he won't anyway and I just wanted to end it all at this point and not have any hopes/expectations I'll hear from him. She said friendships can be worked out if you talk about it, I said honestly, I don't know, I come from a family where we never work anything out. She also said that the rest of the manifestation group got everything they wanted. Homes, etc. Except for me, of course. Sigh. I should have tried for jobs instead of love. Anyway, I'm glad I got to see her for a short time.

Singing: I haven't had a lesson since .... mid-November, I think? I have lost track because between my laryngitis and Morgan's show schedule, we haven't done it for awhile. I haven't really sung a whole lot or practiced my singing much of late, mostly because my voice has been cracking here and there out of nowhere and kind of scaring me. She said my singing was fine, albeit I felt very off the entire time. She said it was the vibrato. She wants me to do the last page of the song for the audition (her usual audition cut), which is the most intense stuff. I dunno about that, but hey, what does it matter. I could sing "Happy Birthday" and I'm just going to be ensemble forever, so eh.... Oh well, not that bad for the first time in ages. She did have me sing with my nose plugged and said to keep doing that while practicing!

I discovered A Problem after the lesson: my power is going to be out at home Tuesday from 9-9:30 while class is going on. I emailed asking "is it ok if I'm on the phone if I can't get internet to work, or can I just dial in from Roger's," except I think they may not let me be out of this range, so fuck if I know. I can't like, go to a cafe or anything for this stuff because of the people factor, so ... I guess it's up to my case worker or whatever on deciding that one. (I note that the girl from support group yesterday had to dial in for her last day today, so they allow it if they MUST but aren't thrilled with it.) In other news, I have an appointment with Anthony from support group after the next support group, so that will be nice.

After that I spent half the night calling people back:
* Ashley's team figured out what is wrong but have zero idea whatsoever how to fix it, LIKE USUAL. I'm really surprised she doesn't cuss people out more.
* Mom wants to know if I'll eat lasagna for Christmas (whatever) and when I'm coming home, I told her I was spending half the night on the phone and trying to catch up on other shit (downloading medical documentation, uploading videos, finishing yet another present, dishes, at some point I have to pack...and write this, obviously) so I may not leave until Saturday morning, she said that was fine. I note that I could briefly run by the yarn store and use my coupon before you-know-who gets his butt into work on a Saturday morning as well.
* Called Melinda back, she was attempting to talk me off the ledge re: the diagnosis issue (basically that's typical, you should have done this years ago and not demanded it in a rush and a crisis...sigh), we can't really reschedule with Melanie, and we discussed how applying for disability is confusing. Honestly, I have reservations about doing it since according to Ashley you're literally not allowed to have much money and can't stash it with relatives either.

Chorewise, I did get the following done: downloaded medical paperwork for FMLA and emailed it (I note I haven't received the accommodations one...), downloaded all of my IOP paperwork so far, uploaded videos from last night's filming*, did dishes, hung up new ornaments/put hangers on all the felted ones, watched Christmas specials (Hannah Waddingham, Mariah Carey). Unfortunately the last minute gift is NOT GOING WELL-I wanted to make a "special snowflake" ornament, which I'm trying to do out of rainbow crochet thread, and crochet thread makes me stabby. Oh well, probably better I'm not leaving town quite yet.

* I did not know YouTube limits your number of videos you can upload in a day, so that's not done...grrrr.

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