Chaos Attraction

I'm Too Complex

2023-12-20, 7:42 a.m.

Yeah, have you noticed if I have an entry that's fairly boring and unexciting (see: yesterday), THEN the next day something bad happens?! I was having a fine day, and then see below.

Sleep update: took one pill at 11ish, took another pill at 3:30 a.m., kind of dozed the rest of the night, probably because knowing I had to get up at sevenish makes me stay up-ish all night waiting for the alarm to go off.

Okay, so that was the middle of the day. This morning I went to group therapy. I have grumbled as to how I don't like driving to Sacramento Kaiser and sure nuff, it was just as much of a pain in the ass to find any office there as it ever is. I left really early, got there a half hour early, since they said they wouldn't let you in until 8:45 I sat around in the parking lot...and then it turned out I was in the wrong building, SIGH. So I got lost trying to find it again, etc. Bleah.

There was only one other person in group today (I note it's an optional thing), so it was me, one other chick I really hit it off with, and Anthony the facilitator. It was pretty much "talk about whatever you want" time. Now, I'm not supposed to go into other people's stuff, but I will say the other person broke out her fidget toy, which is a toy that I also have, and I had out my knitting, and everyone was happy with their fidgets. I talked about sending the letter to you-know-who and getting it all off my chest and how it tied in with the cognitive distortion talk, and the job stuff. I note that today is probably the first day of "the mail might show up," but who knows if he'll even read mail since he has show going on every night the rest of the week. Then again, I'm pretty sure he'll never say anything to me again once he reads it, so what's the difference, right?

I can't say what the other person said, but we related on some levels, and I was happy to meet her and sorry I'm not permitted to talk to her or get any kind of contact info outside of anything and her last day is tomorrow. I said that I hope to run into her in some other way sometime, who knows. She did say that her wife worked for the state and it is that easy and nice.

I will note that people brought up filing for disability (and what kinds of in-person outpatient treatment I may need if I get even worse), so that was fun. I don't think I'd qualify for disability because I'm probably not that badly off as yet, and also I hear it's a bitch to do and probably going to be refused. "But worth it," someone said. Sigh.

After that, I wasn't too far away from the mall/Barnes and Noble area, so I did a stroll through the mall, managed to not buy anything, then went to the bookstore and browsed for a few hours. Mom basically gave me money on Monday to buy my own gifts, which bothers me but...well, it's the best she can do. Finally ended up getting three books (one for Dawn, one fiction, one book on trying and failing to make changes) and getting half off for those on my account, then went to the local bookstore and picked up another book, which I also got most of the money off on. Very nice. One of the books I got was Divine Rivals, which the bookstore employee loved and recommended, and mentioned that the second book comes out next week. I then went home and ordered the three books I couldn't find in either store (to be fair, looks like two of them come out later, like that aforementioned sequel that I have now ordered) online. Happy Crimbo to me. I have also been pondering buying this Lego Magic Maze, but upon watching videos like this, maybe it just doesn't work too well and I shouldn't buy it....darn it. It looks so cute but doesn't really seem to work so great.

I also finally got my prescription for the trazadone and today's psychiatrist was all, "you're not taking them both at once, are you?" (um, no) and "oh yeah, this one only puts you to sleep, it won't have you sleep through the night either." Greaaaaaaaat. Same instructions as the other pill, said there are "more hardcore things" if this doesn't work, but...oy.

Ashley got her medication, thank gawd. I admit I had my concerns about going over there if she was needing to be hospitalized today and her parents were going to be gone. (Also now she says they might not move? So confused.)

And once I was home, I got some very bad news: the diagnosis lady called me a day early to cancel our appointment for tomorrow because while she's done, I am "such a complex case" and "we're not leaning in any one direction" and "data points are in different directions" and "we need the entire team to meet and discuss it and that won't happen until January." An entire fucking team?!? Because you just can't have depression, anxiety, and ADHD at the same time, apparently! I said, wouldn't you expect someone to have depression and anxiety when they can't stop fucking up? Like would you be happy and calm if you're fucking up all the time?!? (At least she didn't mention autism as a possibility. I will blow if that word comes up.) And they may make me do MORE evaluations after that, to boot, because they won't diagnose unless they are CERTAIN...but I should probably come up with other plans that don't depend on a diagnosis.

Kill me now. I'm so mad. This isn't right and there's nothing I can do about it. Jackie called later and was all, "isn't there anyone who can advocate for you?" and um....well....

After that: went over to Ashley's and I took her out to look at the lights--specifically the house we went out to watch on Monday. I did manage to film all of the show, which I'm really happy about it. (Now to tediously upload them...somewhere.) She had fun and so did I.

Jackie called later and essentially said (a) the diagnosis thing made no sense, I agreed and said I cannot explain it to her, (b) went on and on and on and on about how someday I'll inherit my mom's house--I said I'm not counting chickens before they hatch, but also she's obsessed with Getting A House and I am not, and (c) told me I should invest in the stock market. I agree in theory, but I literally don't get what she's talking about and that's why I don't do it. Sigh.

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