Chaos Attraction


2023-12-18, 8:50 p.m.

Did two pills of clonidine work? I...think not because I still woke-up-ish, even though I didn't totally get up either until 6-ish. Feh. Well, this is what I have until the prescription comes through, hopefully tomorrow since I have to go over there for a shot anyway.

Things I love today: Gavle Goat being attacked by birds, John Oliver covering Elon Musk.

IOP today featured my case worker covering cognitive distortions. At the end we were asked to pick our favorite. I'm not entirely sure as to if that means "this is the one I do a lot" or "I actually LIKE this," but I said I do literally all of the list, all at once. Which is true. I mean, look at the whole Scott situation, I have done all of the list here and I don't know if I'm interpreting things correctly or not, and even said so in the letter. Dr. Amanda also asked about ambiguity and I said it sucks and you have no idea what to do and it makes you crazy. Anyway, this was a great presentation, but sadly we didn't get through all of the slides (I had to go read them again afterwards) and I think more of that could have been covered. The joys of having to turn things into bite-sized pieces, I guess. I wanted to bring up what I did re: the letter, but did not, wasn't sure if that was appropriate.

Roger dropped Mom off at noon, as they were having lunches with kids separately before getting THE SHOES on the way home...I note she asked, "did I send you pictures of the shoes?" "Five times, Mom." She wanted to go get stuff at Trader Joe's. I drove her over there for 5 minutes and she freaked out so much at my driving--I just love it when she grips the seat like she's about to die while I'm going 25 mph down a town street--that I said, "YOU'RE driving the rest of the time you are here." We had a nice Chinese food lunch, which I enjoyed, then she wanted to go somewhere to shop for gifts for people. I suggested TJ Maxx, fine, she bought gift candles or whatever. She kept asking me what to buy--it was her friend Terry and some other woman I didn't even know-- and I was all, "I have no idea. I have even less idea as to what to get them than I do normally." On a related note, Mom mentioned wanting some kind of fancy caramels, I found them online later and asked "was this the brand?" and she declined because she'd get fat. Sigh.

She kept asking me for directions and then bitching me out for the ones I gave her. Like let's say you could take routes A, B, or C to get to the location and I say that I take B because it's a pretty straight shot, and she would immediately complain that I didn't tell her to go on A because it's on the freeway and faster, or that I should go on C for Reasons. To which I was all, "If you don't like my directions and know where you're going, don't ask me and just go," and she was all, "I don't know where I'm going!" and I was all, "clearly you know where you're going enough to critique my directions." I also apologized for being brain dead these days because maybe I'm not thinking out directions enough, who knows any more.

But that said, other than the pointed commentary, I didn't actually get into any fights with her, so yay there.

I WAS going to go to Melinda's today. Supposedly Mom and Roger were going to be out of here by 2 so I could arrive by 2:30. HOWEVER, even though I managed to get Mom out of the store and to my place only 3 minutes late, Roger was 45 minutes late. Mom was all, "you can leave me out here, I'll wait for him" and I was all "no, not leaving you to stand outside in the cold with a bunch of bags when it might be about to rain." Sure 'nuff, by the time he showed up it was POURING BUCKETS OF RAIN (I note it had been either dry or sprinkling the rest of the day) AND the UPS truck blocked me in (awesome) and after they moved their shit suddenly the traffic was all backed up in my neighborhood at 3:15-ish p.m.--like, this is 5 p.m. level of traffic and it's 3:15 on a Monday?!? I called and canceled. Melinda was all "okay, but we probably can't reschedule this," and well, that's fine. They were going to talk about craft business-ing and in all honesty, I will not have a craft business unless someone else does the business, period.

On a similar note, Dawn canceled on the get-together we were supposed to do today--saying for Loretta to tell me why. She had a panic attack over dealing with Ron's medical hell, basically. Then we talked about other stuff we're worried about there.

Ashley called--she is still hugely dwelling on her last sudden passout incident on Saturday and WHY DIDN'T ANYONE CALL AN AMBULANCE, over and over again. Now, I've never been around her when she's had any of these incidents--they all seem to happen at whatever disability group events she's attending, possibly she did things like go to stuff 2 days in a row or walked for a block and maybe that brought it on. But she was Quite Upset that she was more out-unconscious and more out-out-of-it than usual and NOBODY NOTICED the difference. I pointed out that she randomly faints, passes out briefly, then wakes up and is fine pretty frequently. I know that sounds bad, but it's pretty much par for the course with her bad heart and nobody ever seems to be able to do anything about it when she goes to the ER and she complains about going, that they don't know what to do, that she's occasionally just gotten fed up and left, etc. And also she didn't insist on going to the ER once she woke up and said she was fine when they asked, and they probably went on what she said, and if she is all I MUST GO TO THE ER, EVERY SINGLE TIME, CALL AN AMBULANCE EVERY SINGLE TIME NOW, which she is now insisting on, she's going to have to say that to people.

Though also it turns out she's pissed out that her ex-boss, who does a lot of stuff in the disability community and has gotten very weird about Ashley's issues in the last year and that's why she quit, apparently told everyone else not to do anything either. To which I was all, "yeah, maybe you shouldn't be around that woman any more." Honestly, it was kind of hard to figure out what to say here after awhile because okay, fine, I get it, take you to the ER/call an ambulance, but I can't dictate what others do in the moment and it's on you to have those conversations. Which she said she did, so...there you go, I guess.

There's something kind of weird about me being so brain-dead of late and yet here I am trying to hack out other friends's medical issues. What do I know, really?

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