I just love Jette�s entry (as well as David Sedaris�s Christmas letter story, which I insist that you listen to if you possibly can), so I�m jumping in on the bandwagon. Though it�s gonna be a little tricky this year...

When I think of Christmas letters, I always think of one that my mom�s cousin, his wife and their sons sent out every year. The cousin is a bigwig scientist genius type, so the entire letter is usually about his accomplishments each year, what conferences he went to, what countries they went to, etc., along with what schools the kids are at each year. Things have gone a little downhill for them since his wife started having health problems, but the letters are still pretty perky.

Then, finally, one year, their son Matt (who is essentially a male version of me, despite growing up on the opposite coast) came to visit. And we found out, well � things weren�t nearly as perky as they sounded. Apparently one�s developed an obsession with acquiring junk and not throwing it out, and they�re sleeping in separate bedrooms (the junk doesn�t help), stuff like that. It was � amusing, at least from the point of view of my family, who never could come up with anything to put into a Christmas letter beyond �what Jennie did this year.�

Well, here ya go...

(Disclaimer: I�m not really feeling THIS bitchy and bitter as I�m sounding in this letter. Except for all the design stuff. Yes, my teachers really said those things. No wonder I was sick of school.)

Dear Family,

Well, it�s been another year! That�s really all I can say about it without using all those Bad Words I�m not supposed to use in front of the children, despite the fact that y�all used those words in front of me every fifteen minutes when I was a child! But we�re all about the cleaned-up language, aren�t we now?

When last I wrote one of these letters, you may recall how I was in an incredibly bad mood because I was working part time and doing school full time while taking every advanced sewing and dyeing class at once, and y�all still felt it was necessary to nag at me to go �major in boys� this year �before it�s too late and you become an Old Maid! Hahahahah!� So, what happened to me this year with all of those? Stay tuned ...

Well, January through June it took all of my strength not to kill anyone, which is a good thing, right? I spent every possible free moment of my time between each 3 1/2 hour long class and work wrestling a broken sewing machine or up to my elbows in toxic fabric dye, which couldn�t possibly have affected my mind, could it? Ha ha! After growing up in Nukeville, how could it get any worse, right? I slaved away at my dyeing, only to be told that my work reminded the professor of trying to play the violin after many years of not playing. Don�t you just love inspiring teachers who get you wanting to keep working? My biggest accomplishment of the year was taking Outdoor Sculpture, a class from which I�m sure I�ll always use the information I learned from it while working in an office! I had to build an octopus. My teacher, alas, thought a giant bar from which a large piece of white fabric hung in the wind was much, much better than something that had taken Actual Work to complete. She also felt that �it looked much more like an octopus when it didn�t have any legs.� Don�t you just love insane British woman humor? Ha Ha!

Despite all of this fun and amusement, I did, in fact, manage to graduate from college this June with two degrees. I even attended two graduation ceremonies just so I could cram all of you in to view me from afar as I pretended to have any clue who these people who were shaking my hand were. And no, I wasn�t the one who snuck in all of those beach balls and tortillas, really!

After that, all of my fellow school chums were out of work and looking for something to do with their lives. While I was lucky! I had a job already! My over a year�s worth of work there had finally pulled off, and I had a full time job once again. I also got a promotion, and got to spend most of my time at the office typing up obituary after obituary, religion brief after religion brief, taking phone calls from people looking for obituaries from 1985 that I couldn�t find in our archives for love or money, and swearing at page layout every Friday till long after I was supposed to go home, while occasionally finding the opportunity to write an article. Fun! And would you believe that little Jennie, the eternal night owl, had to go to work at seven a.m.? Can you believe that? I still can�t! Ha Ha! I didn�t sleep for months! Ha Ha! And so much for my social life! I had to go to bed by 10 p.m.! Now I was a real nerd!

I know the rest of you have no idea about this sort of thing, but since I know you haven�t heard, there�s a big ol� recession going on right now! And you won�t believe it, but tons and tons of people around my age and even older are out of work! Being laid off from jobs because they�re young and expendable! And you know who joined those ranks just last month? That�s right, YOURS TRULY! Two years of work and a promotion, huh? Oh well, what the hell! And since the journalism biz is going down the toilet faster than last night�s dinner, I�m starting a new career! What�ll it be, you ask? PR? Going into the fashion industry? Getting my novel published? Of course not! I�m looking to get into one of these fun industries: fast food, prostitution or secretarial! So much for earning those two degrees! Mom and Dad are thrilled! Or maybe I�ll take up working at that kinky toy store in Sacramento! That guy there looked like he�d hire me in an instant!

And speaking of boys� I know, you don�t give a damn (Oops! I said a bad word! Spank me!) about all of this stuff about my school and my former career. I know you never had a lick of interest in anything else I did in life�all those awards I won in high school, getting into a good school�you just wanted me to find a man before I hit 20, and I didn�t! Ha ha! And I know you�ve been worrying about me, sitting at home all alone every night and living with another girl instead of wearing a big rock on my finger and a maternity dress and cooking and cleaning for �My Man� while he burps and farts in front of the football game like God intended all girls to be doing at this advanced �spinster� age of 23.

Well, it�s not like I can�t find men, I do have to admit. Those nice vampire boys sure do seem to like me an awful lot, and one of them would probably have married me in a heartbeat. I know you�d approve�even if you don�t understand the concept of vampires or acting, I know you just want ANY man, no matter what he�s like, to make me an honest woman and knock me up with baby after baby so my father can see his grandchildren before he dies.

Alas, well ... I�m afraid y�all are just going to have to be disappointed yet again! While I know that y�all finally found out I�m not gay (and how I wish you hadn�t found that out! Thanks Dad, ya blabbermouth!), I�ve decided to take a new route to avoiding fulfilling my duties as a woman. I�m not shaving my legs any more and I�ve decided to just hate men for all eternity! That�s right, all y�all are good for is sexually harassing me and forcing me to act like a �lady� and making me spend money I can�t afford (having been laid off) on birth control. Oops! I forgot, half of you are Catholic and I�m not supposed to say that either! Anyway, I�m REBELLING! No more men for me! Muahahahahah!!!!

So don�t ask me this year if I�m engaged yet or even dating anyone, or I�ll spit in your face, laugh at your fat ass and then kick you right in the crotch while yelling �NO, YOU @#$$%@#@#$# IDIOT!� right in your ear!

Love, hugs and hugglebunnies,

Little Jennie

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