Oh, I am such a shitty person, y'all. Someone drag me out and shoot me, 'cause I suck.

My hamster died. I don't know of what, but he er, stopped moving even when we went near the cage, so that was a sign. Oh lord, the guilt. I am one crappy pet owner. Though he clearly wasn't happy anyway, given how he didn't like people or being touched or even walked near. I really shouldn't have pets. Or anything living around me, really. I fear for my little Christmas tree that I still haven't watered yet.

To make matters worse, I told Hill I couldn't dispose of the corpse because I was way too squicked out. (I have issues with dead bodies. Let's not go there right now.) I think she thought I was an idiot, but said fine, I'll take him out, you clean up the cage in awhile. I go fine, I will. Then I end up leaving the house for longer than I expected (more on that later) and come home to find she went and not only got rid of him, but cleaned the cage and left a pissy note about it. Honestly, why on earth she didn't just leave the cage for me to deal with when I got home instead of getting all martyr-like, I don't know. Now I think she's mad at me, but she seems to have disappeared. I knew she was gonna go drink tonight (assuming she hasn't spontaneously left town, which she might have done), but this early?

I did intend to clean up the cage (and the living room, which she was also ticked about) when I got home, but I can't very well say that now or prove it, and it's all empty good intentions anyway, isn't it. She probably thinks I left just to avoid dealing with it, when all I wanted was to just not have to deal with the corpse.

I'm going to TRY to think about something else now.

So why was I out of the house for so long? I've been attempting to make my parents Christmas presents. I made Mom some necklaces and a bracelet and a jewelry box to put them in (which came out well) and a picture frame for Dad (which, er, did not). I sent Mom an e-mail asking if she could take me by the hometown dollar store before Christmas so I could find something for Dad, and she said "Oh, here's $100. Go buy some presents for him." So since this was my last day in town (I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon sometime, so tomorrow's entry will go up in the morning), I did have to go get up off my ass and go shop. Since Hill was eating lunch anyway, I figured I might as well do it then. I only actually spent money in two places, as I realized that I only had two checks left in the account Mom had deposited the money in. Oops.

I'll have to explain before I begin that in my three-person, used-to-spend-a-lot, child's-a-spoiled-brat household, my parents bought me tons of gifts growing up. So when I got old enough, I felt I should do the same. So I usually get them about 4 gifts apiece plus a stocking stuffer. I already had a book (bought before layoff) for Mom, plus the handmade gifts/crap.

The first store I went in, Accents, had some gorgeous pendants, and I was drooling over them for me. I ended up buying a cheap little hand pendant and a little collection of stones pendant for myself, but passed up the expensive, gorgeous, glittery Celtic knot one and Holly Yashi jewelry. For Mom, I got a "Mother" pink candle light lamp thingie and some plumeria bath gel. For Dad, I got this bizarre yet really cute flag-decorated bear. You'd have to see the thing (alas, I have no camera), but it amuses me no end. I don't know how he'll feel about it, but he does seem to like bears these days. They even did free wrapping for me! Total: about $40 for it all.

The second store I went in was Borders, to try to find stuff for Dad. His having expensive hobbies (trains) and being handicapped kinda limit what I can get him, so I usually go the audiovisual route. I know people badmouth chain bookstores up and down, but you won't hear that from me. Borders is practically a mini-mall in this town, at least when you compare it to our real "mall", which has a grocery store, one small department store, a few restaurants, and a bunch of other stores that get almost no business, and not a lot of customers. Borders, by comparison, allows you to buy books, CD's, videotapes/DVD's, magazines, cards, and other random items, all in one building. Works for me.

I wanted to get him some Harry Potter memorabilia, since he and Mom are all obsessed with it, but they didn't have much that wasn't (a) the books, (b) the books on tape (we own 'em all) or (c) coloring books. I really wanted to get him the Harry Potter trivia game, but it cost $50. Yikes! For a frigging board game? I think not. I can't believe they redid an Uno card game with Harry pictures on it too. Sheeesh ,that has nothing to do with the books!

I did end up getting him (a) sugar free Jelly Bellies (stocking stuffer), (b) LeAnn Rimes CD of patriotic stuff or something, (c) the movie Frequency. I also got Mom (d) a tiny book on reflexology, since the last time I talked to her she was going on about how if I pinched my collarbone it would help my nose, or something. I also got (e) the obligatory store-bought Christmas cards. And for me, since I had an extra few bucks left before running out and tax, (f) a novel. I need some kind of reward, dammit.

You know what sucks about winter and holiday shopping? Either it's frigging cold outside already, or it isn't now but you know it will be cold later, and thus you end up wearing a heavy coat. Then you go inside, and with the body heat of 50,000 people inside, you are boiling. Yet you can't even take the coat off and hold it because you're hauling your purse AND the bag of stuff you bought AND a little shopping basket, while trying to maneuver around people and their babies.

And the lines. I was in the "short" line, but it grew after I got to the front. No wonder I was late coming home, that's all I can say.

While I'm already in an evil mood, I think I'll just go diminish your opinion of me further. You know one thing I hate about the holidays? Walking out of a store, shopping bags conspicuously in hand, and then running into the homeless sitting out on the street looking for handouts. GUILT, GUILT, GUILT. Ain't no way you can feel good about having to walk by people asking you for money when clearly, you've just spent it all on crap for other people while they're starving. Can you look much worse than that? I think not. (Unless you drove by in a limo and honked the horn at them, I guess.)

I'm not comfortable in general with giving money to random strangers (I will occasionally dig up spare change for a teen girl who needs to take a bus home), as opposed to organizations. I don't know them, I don't know if they're crazy, I don't know if they're gonna do something to me. One ex-coworker used to give money to a homeless guy that hangs around downtown. But the one day she was out of money and between paychecks, he cussed her out like nobody's business. Since hearing that story, I really don't want to go around handing out free money in public. Plus these days I'm my own charity case. But still, when you see two people and a dog sitting out on a blanket, and one of them's wearing a frigging Santa hat� GUILT GUILT GUILT.

Incidentally, I'd chosen the afternoon hours to go shopping downtown in in the hopes that I might not run into ex-coworkers, who tend to sneak out fairly often to get coffee or something. I ended up seeing two. The first one I never knew very well (she's not in the office much), but walked by her on the street. We both ignored each other. The second one, the entertainment editor, I ran into on the way home. (Methinks he snuck out early.) He was quite friendly and complimented my "Empire Barks Back" sweatshirt.

I need to not be feeling so damn bad all the time. Of course, I say this after the death of the hamster, ticking off the roommate, paying expensive phone bills and knowing I'm going to have to see my grandfather tomorrow, so we know THAT's not going to happen.

Somebody kill me.

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