Chaos Attraction

The Joy That Is Bob Rivers

2003-12-20, 8:48 p.m.

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I can't write a wacky holiday music series without going into the genius that is Bob Rivers. He's a fabulous parodist who does many holiday and nonseasonal songs on his radio show, and he puts tons of archives and songs up on the site to listen to, even if they're not downloadable. The man deserves some honors. He's done five Christmas albums, three of which I own, and he generously posts his body of work online. His music is good quality and a lot easier to find than most novelty tunes as well. Plus it inspires me to do my own Christmas parodies from time to time.

The songs of his I recommend are:

* Walking Round In Women's Underwear: Parody of "Winter Wonderland," this song has a pleasant sound, sung by what sounds like handsome, buff young men, who are quite enjoying their uh, little secrets.

* A Visit From St. Nicholson: Twas the night before Christmas, and you DON'T want St. Jack and the L.A. Lakers coming to your house. Because Jack's bitter after playing a bunch of weirdoes and crazies, and he wants to know why the hell you haven't been giving HIM presents... Scary but funny.

* The Twelve Pains Of Christmas: I enjoy the songs he's come up with from time to time that really uh, celebrate the frustrations of the holiday season. Putting up the lights, in-laws, whining kids, charities, Christmas cards, etc., etc... who doesn't relate? While I do think the song could have been done SLIGHTLY better and less repetitive on the pains themselves (a lot of them are repeating the same phrase over and over again- "Yo ho! Sending Christmas cards!"- and the few that come up with more than one way to describe the same problem over and over again are much funnier and snappier), it still entertains me.

* Wreck the Malls: On the same theme of Christmas frustration, have fun parking, charging, and having the Hell's Angels come in to mess with the Muzak!

* We Wish You Weren't Living With Us: More bitterness! Oh, the joys of the mooching houseguest!

* What if Eminem Did Jingle Bells?: Another scary tune a la St. Nicholson, Eminem's pissed because Santa tried to put the mack on his mom. Interestingly, the CD version has what Santa did to Mom (and a few other things) "bleeped" out, but if you listen to the version of the same song on Twisted Tunes, all Santa did was try to kiss her. Anyway, as you might imagine, when Eminem gets his hands on Santa, it'll be a very RED Christmas this year.

* Teddy the Red-Nosed Senator: Hey, who wouldn't enjoy Teddy the Red-Nosed Senator?

* The Chimney Song: Sung by one of those cute little girls who's supposed to be innocent..."there's something stuck up in the chimney and I don't know what it is, but it's been there all year long... I'll be waiting up for Santa like I did last year, but my brother says he's already here...." Oh, the ominous joy.

* The Restroom Door Said "Gentlemen.": Oh, the bitter irony and pain! Oh, the shock and horror! Oh, the pain in my ass so I can't sit with comfort and joy after what those old ladies did to me when they caught me!

* Yellow Snow! Yellow Snow! Yellow Snow!: I think you can guess what this one is about.

* Buttcracker Suite: It's bad, it's dirty, but hey, it's unique.

* Police Stop My Car: Kind of a bad subject parody, but it's still pretty funny.

* 12 Days Of Layoffs: This one's not in the Christmas section or on an album, but it should be (look here). Definitely fitting for these times.

* The Magical Kingdom of Claus: In which Santa is the Wizard of Oz, only on a diet and having had his toymaking taken over.

* Manger 6: If Tom Bodett was running the inn, you'd definitely want to stay there.

* The Twisted Chipmunk Song: Funny fighting, which leads to...

* Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire: I'm sure many folks are fans of hearing the Chipmunks charbroiling away, but I can't resist the title.

* Christmas Money (That's What I Want): "Let's cut to the chase here. If I don't have it, I don't want it. If I didn't already buy it myself, then there's a reason. I mean, let's look at what you got there. I'm not gonna wear that. I'm not even gonna put it in my closet. I'm gonna throw it away!"

* The Angel: The angel is in agony.

* Who Put The Stump? Pity that poor angel's ass!

I like or at least appreciate almost all of Bob Rivers' Christmas tunes. There's only about two I think aren't great: "A Message From The King", because, well, Elvis has been dead for a loooooong time and it's just not all that funny any more to go on about his eating, and "I Am Santa Claus." Honestly, that's the novelty Christmas tune I utterly hate the most. I don't think I've even managed to finish listening to the whole thing because it's like fingernails on a chalkboard. I'm not sure if there's even a point to the song- it's just very loud growling yelling, "I! AM! SANTA! CLAUS!" Every time that song comes on the Twisted Tunes Radio, I have to turn off the radio. It's that bad.

But other than that one, it's all fine and dandy for me!

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