Chaos Attraction

My Festivus Grievance

2017-12-23, 10:17 a.m.

I don't have much to say about the last week. The last week at work was pretty slow, thank god. I love that. I had lunch with Dawn a few times and I managed to give her a gift she actually really wanted and was excited about. Huzzah!

On Wednesday the entire computer system at work crashed and was predicted to be out all day, so we were permitted to leave at 2 p.m. I went to the gym and did some shopping and hit the library and got gifts wrapped and it was fabulous to get most of that done before dark hit.

I went into work the next day and asked if the computers were up yet and got told, "Oh, they came on FIVE MINUTES AFTER YOU LEFT." I was told I wasn't in trouble, but uh....still, you know? But they did let us leave at 2 again Thursday, so I got in some more gym time and then went home to try to fit 2 weeks of layers and layers of warm clothes into tiny frigging bags only designed for about 3 days worth of clothing (because there is literally no room for me to bring a damn suitcase). I hate winter, y'all.

I'm officially on vacation now for two weeks, so I am going to Mom's for a week. On Friday I drove down there and I got my hair done. Since I don't have a job interview in January for a change, I felt like I could do something crazy. I wanted to look like Gert on Runaways. Sadly for me, the hairdresser is no longer carrying the bright purple washout dye, he just had the regular sorts. I asked for the one purple he did have but it came out more burgundy red/purple. Ah well. Still looks different and actually matches a skirt I'm getting for Christmas, so that's cool.

We spent the rest of the day and night with me picking out Christmas presents for myself while Mom paid for them. I miss the days of surprise, but she seriously cannot handle anything otherwise. She bugged me for like a week and a half to make a Christmas list with items she could specifically buy here (this took a while to find what was sold where, mind you), which she then forgot, didn't want to read and then just had me try to find them all in Barnes and Noble. Ironically, despite my having checked online that they were there, I couldn't find most of them. Sigh. I picked out four books and called it a night.

It's Festivus! Let's air my main grievance for this holiday season!

This year's minisoap is over because my ex never responded. I am mad. It must have been one of those auld lang syne things (Washington Post link about exes showing up on Facebook, which I saw literally a few seconds after it was too late.).

Though ironically, I did find the writing piece he asked me about after the fact, but I am not sending it to him. Not only for him not responding, but for the fact that hoo boy, the writing of it was Not Good, not to mention I only found piecemeal pages of it here and there and I am not letting any other humans see it. Hell, I must have been out of my mind if I ever let him see it back in the day, and why the hell did I? It's just random quotes combined with emo recountings of poly scheduling drama and no page numbers. Blech.

I of course don't know what happened, so it must be one of these options:

(a) Somehow did not receive it. Since it showed up in the sent folder and I didn't get a failure notice, I don't think we can use that as an excuse.

(b) Ex did the thing where he was all, "Uh, I don't know how to respond to that, I'll do it later," which translates into "I'll never respond at all." Which I had forgotten was a thing he tended to do. Admittedly, this was in the days when I was being emo and whiny at him and I was trying not to do that now, but....

(c) Ex decided that bitch is crazy. 'Nuff said.

I think we all know what the likely answer is here, right?

I've had various people filling in for my shrink this week on the Internet (another deju vu from college) and responses have ranged from one dude's opinion of "he's just messing with your mind" to various women telling me I must have been Too Much yet again (probably true) to one lady I respect arguing very fervently that she takes weeks to get back to people at times and so do her relatives and to not freak out just because in my experience, if you don't hear back from someone within 24 hours, they never do.

Also, I know darned well this dude is on the computer constantly. We both were back in college, and also I had to look on Facebook today about an event I was considering attending that only had an FB page for info and guess who was online ready to chat? Come to think of it, the chat button comes up with him on it every time I've been on Facebook for fifteen seconds. Dude clearly has the free time to write back if he wants to and he doesn't want to.

I then had the thought of, "Maybe I could chat with him," but NO. BAD GIRL. NO. That's how this shit got started in the first place back in college. Plus, again, Facebook.

Back to the lady who argued for the delayed response, she asked, what made him contact you in the first place? It was his idea, so there's something desirable about you to him. So yeah, that haunts me.

She suggested maybe just do one more short message, which is something I was considering but...I think I'm over that urge. He'd just ignore it anyway, so what's the point? I guess he got what he wanted out of the encounter. And what the hell was that? Bragging rights? Making sure I'm still alive? I don't get it. Dude somehow lets me know on some level he cares enough to see how I'm doing and even track me online more than just Facebook lazy, but also he ... doesn't. Why bother? I'm quite sure he's getting enough feminine attention elsewhere (which he mentioned!) that he doesn't need mine.

Here's the thing about this ex: once in a while he recurs or I run into him or something. This may continue throughout our lives, but clearly nothing more is ever going to come of it, no matter what my opinion of that might be. And unfortunately dude remains my kryptonite (for the time being, see below) so I end up being susceptible and going nuts for a few days when it happens. Even though I knew better and nothing good ever comes from contact with a dude who got over me. And really, isn't that the thing you always end up kicking yourself over? You knew better and decided to act like a fucking thorn bird over it.

While at the library this week I got a book called The Wisdom of a Broken Heart, which is probably the best book I've ever seen on that topic. It points out that what you're really missing is the intimacy, not the person themselves, and once you find it with someone else you won't care any more, and even if you got back together you couldn't get the old relationship back. Which is certainly true. I just haven't been able to find anyone else in a very long time and I'm not at all nostalgic for the ex after this one since there were so many stresses in that relationship. So....there you go, I did it to myself.

I'd like to hope that if this ex ever recurs in my life again I'll remember to just not respond or get my hopes up because I guess all he wants to do is play tag once and run off.... but as long as I'm permanently single, I may still act like a fucking moron for a few days. I don't think I can declare this a "Won't Get Fooled Again" situation until then, unfortunately.

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