Chaos Attraction

More Hallmark Christmas Movies

2013-12-29, 4:38 p.m.


We were at the airport till like 11:30 or something last night--Mauricio and his wife's luggage got lost despite their only having one flight--the conveyor belt broke and didn't load a lot of people's bags. That was fun.

In other news, here is a link about my favorite Christmas song and how Grandpa was the one that killed Grandma. This pleases me.

Awww, the end of this year's Something Positive. Dinosaur wedding!

Guess what? It's another Lazing Around The House Watching Hallmark Movies Day Again! Time for some reviews!

A Princess For Christmas: Jules of Buffalo is raising her dead sister's children. They have vague English-y accents here and there, but that's a plot point. She's just been laid off (note: this is the one non-asshole boss in all of Hallmark, but he can't afford his lone employee), lost her nanny in a huff, and the car broke down or something. So naturally it's time for a butler named Paisley Winterbottom(?!?!?) to show up on her doorstep with free tickets to a castle. You see, Jules's brother-in-law was some kind of titled royalty that got disowned for marrying a commoner, and Jules is naturally rather huffy about the kidss duke grandfather NOW deciding he wants them around. But in the grand tradition of everyone in Hallmark being "forced" into things, away they must go. Where the duke has a hot remaining son who's "a prince on his mother's side" (how?!). He's a nice dude with a pretentious wannabe fiancée who at one point flat out admits (with his prompting) that if didn't have a title she wouldn't give him the time of day, so there she goes. Oh yeah, and speaking of names, hers is Arabella Marchand du Belmont. Jules is all "Nice name" or something like that and LADY Arabella snobs off about the title. The rest of it's kinda the usual--cute wittle girl, old man who's too bitter to put up the Christmas decorations until prompted by the Manic Pixie Dream Girl and Manic Wittle Pixie Dream Girl, etc. But it's all right to watch, I suppose.

Hilariously, there's a scene at the end where the wannabe fiancée's mother (I think?) starts bragging that she's investigated Jules and Jules is a money-grubber who got fired from her job, the boychild is a kleptomaniac and the girlchild is "addicted to trans fats." To which I was pretty much like, "so? who isn't?" Jules is all, "Yeah, I lost my job, but I'm planning on getting another one, I made the kid take back what he stole, and we're working on that chip addiction." And then the duke grandfather--played by SIR ROGER MOORE, I forgot to mention that bit-- tells the tattletale off by saying that Jules has more nobility than she does and the tattletale is "all fur coat and no knickers!"

Oh yeah, and they get married at the end and oh, btw, I'm in line for a throne someday....I just want to know HOW far in line, and for what throne. Lichtenstein? Also, way to drop that bomb after the wedding, sir.

"A Bride For Christmas" is a combination of "The Runaway Bride" and "Worth Winning." Oh yeah, and there's a dog shelter in it. This is all I can come up with to say about it.

We watched The Christmas Card because it was filmed AND EVEN TAKES PLACE in Nevada City. No, they didn't claim it was in Vermont, either. It starts out...well, remember how it went in Hot Shots? "Jonesy" showed his fiancée's photo and picked a wedding date for Valentine's Day, so he's dead within the first five minutes. CLICHE CHECK OFF LIST. It wasn't QUITE as bad when they did it in Hot Shots, but it's pretty close :P

So Cody goes to Nevada City (origin of The Christmas Card) while he's on leave and strolls into the café and COINCIDENTALLY orders the exact same specific breakfast that the heroine (card sender, duh) gets there, so when she walks in and sees it on the counter, she just starts eating it. Awkward!

The hero and heroine are introduced by her dad (Ed Asner, of course), who refers to her as his "moderately attractive daughter." Dad, you flatterer. They all leave the church and Cody saves Dad from being hit by the one speeding car in Nevada City. This amused me and Mom because when we were last there everyone was driving carefully and slowly around the hill--blind corners, snow, kinda hard to see at night--and one damn car was barreling through like an idiot. THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU, CAR! Anyway, within 22 minutes of the show starting, Cody is officially Adopted Into the Spelman Family. (Note: I kinda thought Spelman was a Jewish last name so why are they at a regular church, okay, I guess.) So Cody starts working at the mill with everyone else.

I forgot to mention that Faith has a token absentee boyfriend, Paul, who's "in the wine business." Paul compliments Cody on saving dad's life and Cody is all, "I'm sure you would have done the same." Dead blank stare from Paul. CREEPY. Paul later gets his sulky feelings hurt when Cody's gift gets more attention than his, or something like that. We're also told that Paul always skips out "on business" whenever the E-word comes up in conversation. Keep it class-ay, Paul. Faith's parents are all, "Boyfriend, shmoyfriend, he's never around. Go date Cody."

Paul: "Excuse me, can I have my dance partner back?"
Cody: Dead blank stare.

So of COURSE this gets Paul to send some dude to pick out a ring for him. And Paul is all, "Oh, the second we're engaged, she's going on the road with me." What happens if she doesn't want to leave? Hmmmm, I smell problem. Hey, Paul, maybe BEING AROUND AND ON TIME FOR THINGS MIGHT HELP YOUR CASE A LITTLE. Especially since Cody has nothing else to do but hang around at this moment in time. Like, oops making out in the snow. I am amused that the dad is totally like, gossiping with his buddies about who his kid makes out with. Keep it classy, dad!

Actual dialogue between the parents:
"I'm going to give you a smack on the bottom!"
"Now, Rosie, don't get me all excited."

I would just like to say that it annoys the crap out of me that in a few days on Hallmark, this dude becomes "family" and meanwhile, my actual family cannot be arsed. Also, I think it is SO WEIRD that Hallmark people tend to fall into these totally random situations in which they are adopted by some random family (hey, universe, my mom would totally love to get adopted! Just saying!) or hey, skip off at a moment's notice to Lichtenstein. Who does that?

Anyhoo, Paul pops the question, Faith immediately says yes, and then Paul goes on about moving all over the place. And Faith is all, "why did we not discuss this before?" Yes, Faith, I've been wondering about that too. Dad grumbles that Paul should have asked his permission first. Dad also flat out eggs Cody to break up a relationship and Cody is all, "no, hope she's happy, gonna do the decent thing and move on." Go Cody. Anyway, despite the forced romantic sleigh ride, Cody remains a gentleman and at one point is all to Paul, "I love her, but I hope you're doing this for the right reasons." Very politely. And for all of that, Faith just goes out and breaks up with Paul on her own recognizance, right out of church.

Meanwhile, Cody rides out of town Christmas morning, but he leaves behind some very nice notes and a secret bench he made as a gift. Oh yeah, and he finally mentions the card. Luckily for her, he's just hanging out at the Vietnam bridge when she comes to bring him his and her favorite meal.

"Christmas With Holly" is Three Men And A Six-Year-Old. For some reason, the youngest, hottest uncle is the one who ends up officially in charge of the orphaned 6-year-old title character. Uncle Mark pulls Holly out of school in Seattle because she refuses to speak and they're giving her crap, so he moves back home to the island he's from and into the house with his two older, crankier brothers. They have to stop scratching and wandering around naked, and they also have to attempt Thanksgiving....which somehow involves both a flaming kitchen and flaming turkey out in the yard. DOUBLE FLAMES OF DOOMED DINNER. Anyway, later one of the older brothers rags on Mark for taking on Holly and is all, "can't someone else take her" and I'm clearly thinking, "Well, since the older brothers are such jerks, I can see why the guy who's barely in his 20's got the job all of a sudden." Sure 'nuff, Mark is all, "I'm the only one who doesn't see her as a burden."

Uncle Mark has a not-that-kid-friendly girlfriend who hopes a 6-year-old should be taking a nap or something. Of course, there's a new toy store owner in town, so guess where that's going. Oh yeah, and she also blows it off when the kid gets a fever and tries to talk the uncle into letting the other brothers do the work. Following it up by, "Isn't he going to be a good father someday?" SERIOUSLY? Wow, girl. Then she's all "she's not even your kid" (um, she is now) and pouts that she'll never be number one. They break up, thank gawd.

I will say that this movie definitely has different use of Kyute Wittle Kid because in this case, the kid doesn't talk for an hour and a half (guess who breaks the spell there). So if you're sick of that sort of thing, this movie has less of it than usual. Also, magic wands fix everything.

I don't know....I honestly have kinda zoned out during this flick. I like Mark, his bros are kinda dicks (ditto the girlfriend), but I had a hard time paying attention somehow. Maybe it's just me, but I was more into the romance of adoption than the romance of romance, or something.

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