(Before you read on, an explanation for this entry:

On chat today, someone was pondering whether or not to write a particular entry due to its subject matter, and Rob suggested the following solution, "Write it, but make every third sentence be about bunnies." While she didn't take him up on it, I am utterly insane (note the journal title, after all) and decided to go for it. It may be weird and stupid, but what the hell!)

This entry is dedicated to Anya on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, because it would torture her so much.

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The fearfulness continues, I have to say, and it's really ruining my days. I can't stop thinking all day long about what might happen and constantly calculating the odds of it happening and how likely it is to happen and how much of my life it'll destroy ... you get the idea. I've got a theory, it could be bunnies... I admit that in life I am generally paranoid. But I usually have damn good reasons to BE paranoid, I find out later. Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes! Despite all the talk about postive thinking and not counting your chickens and you're gonna give yourself an ulcer, it's impossible not to think about. Especially when you keep seeing More Bad Signs around the corner when you look around. They've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses! Ironically, everything else in my life beyond this has been going fairly well. Most people don't have any idea of what's going on with me. And what's with all the carrots? Considering how much crap I've been getting for what bad behavior I somehow give off without my noticing, it does make me wonder when on the other hand, nobody notices any weirdness from me. I feel like of all things that should be projecting off me like waves. What do they need such good eyesight for anyway? I finally let some folks on 3WA chat know what was up with me today. I shouldn't have blabbed at all, but I am having a hard time keeping it all in for so long. Bunnies, bunnies, it must be bunnies! Even if I can't admit anything in permanent print yet, it was a relief to finally admit that something was wrong in life. And get some comforting remarks and support about it. There's nothing we can't face ... except for bunnies.

It's so easy in some ways to just go along on your merry way and forget about what's going on in the world. To get comfortable and just do your own thing as you please. Little Bunny Foo Foo, hopping through the forest, scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. And you think that you're okay because nobody ever said anything about it or objected, and it's been a long time now. Until one day, someone does object. Down came the good fairy and she said, "Little Bunny Foo Foo, I don't want to see you scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head." You really do want to know what you're doing wrong to tick people off, because you don't necessarily want to do that. And it's easy to say to yourself "I'll change and get better and people won't be mad any more" when they offer you the opportunity. "I'll give you three chances and if you don't obey me, I'll turn you into a goon!" And you really do try. But what if what you're doing somehow comes off as bad behavior still? Little Bunny Foo Foo, hopping through the forest, scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. Sometimes people will tell you, sometimes they won't, or they THINK they did and you didn't pick up on it. And despite your efforts, you might just end up surprised. Hare today, goon tomorrow!

Let's play the Paranoid Game, kids! It'll be fun! Five chocolate bunnies sitting in a store. There's three different ways to look at things in general in life. There's what I'll call the mindless way, when you observe something and either you don't notice anything unusual or there's nothing unusual there to notice (depending on the person). The first one says, "Look at the door." Then there's the optimistic way, in which you take whatever you see and you put a positive spin on it. This may be true, this may be not true. The second one says, "It's a boy and his mom." And there's the pessimistic way, in which you take whatever you see and spot something worrisome in it, then freak out. This also may or may not be true. The third one says, "Let's run, run, run." The optimistic viewers generally don't want to hear anything negative, whether it's true or not or sounds true. They want to remain happy and oblivious. The fourth one says, "They're just looking at some shoes." It's not like the pessimists WANT to see bad things and have their mindsets ruined either. But then again, they really don't want to be caught unawares if something bad happens to them either. The fifth one says, "But their shoes are new." I may make fun of Ethan on Survivor for being the most paranoid guy on the show from like, Day 2, but let's face it, he really has to be in that environment. You never know what's going to happen. And then, the little boy's mouth, opens very wide. And really, what major cost is it to you to be paranoid, most of the time? If you know what's going on, maybe you have a chance to escape. And the five chocolate bunnies, all hide, hide, hide.

I think I have reasons to be paranoid in life, considering my general unawareness of some things and hyperawareness of others. Or maybe I'm just completely out of sync with some folks. Then all his worst fears took the form of bunnies in his dreams. I just feel tired of worrying about myself all the time. And trying to NOT tick anyone off like I've been doing. And all the bunnies yelled at him and shook their bunny fists.

I am generally not a person who is up for any kind of confrontation about what ticks me off. Not unless it REALLY ticks me off so much that I just completely explode. .Here's a bunny with ears so funny, and here's a hole in the ground. I guess given who I am, I shouldn't really fault others who might feel the same way about it. Hell, it's a lot easier to just avoid or ignore something if at all possible than to stir the shit about it. At the first sound he hears, he pricks up his ears, and pops through a hole in the ground. Especially since when I (for one example) normally try to tell someone I'm pissed at them, they choose one of two options. They either (a) tell me to get over it, because they're not going to change, or (b) run like a thief in the night. See the little bunny on the shelf in the shop, wind her up slowly and away she'll hop!

I think I need some more distractions in my life so I can think about something other than my various flaws all the frigging time. I miss having something overarching and exciting to focus on and bring me joy. The bunny, the bunny, oh, I love the bunny, I don't love my mom or my dad, just the bunny. Annoyingly, a great many of my favorite people and things have taken a powder, despite my attempts to not lose them. Maybe I try too hard to not lose. The bunny, the bunny, oh, I love the bunny, I gave everything that I had for the bunny.

The one thing that's given me real joy this month is the novel. I always thought I stunk at fiction, but let's-pretend is just going so darn well with that.Let's pretend we're bunny rabbits, let's do it all day long. I guess most people drink to forget. Instead, I make up this odd fantasy about a chick with magical powers of a sort she doesn't exactly like at the moment. And when we've had a coupla beers, we'll put on bunny suits In the novel I'm doing a lot of juxtaposition between her real "normal" life and her more exciting, but also going wrong, magical one. Suffice it to say that when the two collide, she starts developing more appreciation for boredom. I long to nibble your ears, and do as bunnies do. I guess in a way that's to remind myself that having a boring, average life just like everybody else isn't as bad as I may think it is. I lived a pretty chaotic existence for four years or so in which everything kept changing, and lord knows that's a confusing way to live sometimes. Let's pretend we're bunny rabbits, let's do it all day long, rapidly becoming rabid, singing little rabbit songs.Now that things are likely to change drastically again, like my character, I'm mourning for what was. Even if it wasn't the most exciting and passionate lifestyle around and hadn't been for awhile, there were some things that were very, very good. Let's pretend we're bunny rabbits, until we pass away.

I think what I need right now is some reassurance and comfort. More people who, instead of blindly saying "Everything will be fine, just ignore that man behind the curtain," can actually convince me that I will be fine in the long run instead of terribly screwed for years like I keep on imagining.If you were my bunny and I were your mama, I'd pick you out from all the other bunnies and nestle you beside me. I need to be distracted from my paranoia a bit before things get confirmed so I can enjoy myself a bit while I still can. I'm not sure if this could actually happen, but it would be nice. Then you'd close your little pink eyes and I'd sing you a bunny song.

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