The Knight Before Christmas and Santa Girl
2020-01-01, 10:00 a.m.
recently on Chaos Attraction
For the last Holidailies entry, I had two already written reviews of Netflix streaming shows I never got around to posting on a dead day. One of them you've definitely heard of this year, the other you will never have heard of, but I recommend it. Farewell, readers, see you next year, and let's hope something's changed for the happier by then!
Did I just see a medieval wheelchair? They had those? I thought they just had to haul people around on some big ol’ guy’s back a la Game of Thrones!
Anyway, the so called plot of this is that Sir Cole of Norwich is doing his knight thing in the medieval era when he runs into a random lady (dubbed “Old Crone,” no joke) who sets him on a quest in the far future, and he literally runs into Brooke, a hot yet cynical teacher who’s taking her niece to “Christmas Castle” like, constantly in this movie.
“Hey Santa, could you get my aunt Brooke a boyfriend who won’t cheat on her?” Even Santa finds this hard going.
Later, Brooke runs into Cole again as he wanders through the snowy streets of Bracebridge. They take him to the hospital, they assume he has amnesia, Brooke lets him stay at her guest house (wow, a teacher with a guest house?) and gives him her ex’s clothes. Naturally, Cole is confused by the terminology Brooke uses regarding her ex’s name.
“Well, while you fetch the douche’s garments, might I inquire as to a tub and a cauldron....”
Brooke leaves Cole alone for five minutes while she calls her sister. “Trust me, he’s harmless. Except for maybe his sword.” I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE HUHUHUHUHUHH.
Meanwhile, while she left him alone....
“No, you can’t eat skunks or start fires in people’s lawns!”
To be fair to Sir Cole, I Googled and they generally do not have skunks roaming the countryside in England. I presume he’d be unpleasantly surprised if he’d actually caught one. She takes Cole to a diner instead, where he wonders about the menu. “Cheeseburger. Tater tots. Hot dog. And yet these skunks are not okay to eat.” Okay, that’s kind of a good point.
Then Brooke’s ex shows up in the restaurant.
“I should thank the douche for the garments provided.” After having it explained to him why that’s not a good idea, nor is challenging him to a duel: “The rules of gallantry are much changed when a deserving scoundrel cannot be put in his place.” I hear ya, Cole. “But it’s probably best not to do it when you’re wearing his Christmas sweater.” The Christmas sweater appears to be one in which Santa’s wearing a short vest and showing his abs, incidentally.
Brooke leaves Sir Cole alone with an Alexa. He tries to wish to go home and see his brother and whatever and is only given more Christmas carols. Well, Alexa’s trying, I guess.
“Modern technology is lit AF.” Cole learns English from the television overnight because he couldn’t turn it off. “It is most informal and nonsensical.” He also put Alexa in the fridge and Brooke is all “you could have just turned her off,” and I’m all, it’s not like he knows that.
Here’s the infamous scene in which a Netflix movie is watching anther Netflix movie. So you now know, that happened. (Link limits clicks.)
“Old Crone” is not all that old (though I guess by medieval standards she would be) or ugly, btw. Cole doesn’t care how things work, he just rolls with it, essentially. Time travel, whatevs, man.
“What might this mutilated mess be?” “It’s my Christmas tree.” She has a fake white one. He insists on hitting a Christmas tree lot.
Cole thinks his quest is to run the ex through through if he “ruined” you. Awkward.
Cole wants to borrow her steed. “Yours is no different.” OH FUCK NO. Wait, seriously, she’s going to let him make off with her car? I know she thinks he’s just got amnesia, but even still, I wouldn’t let some random dude who thinks he’s riding a horse take off with my car unescorted. Also, driving is fucking hard!!
Dude, don’t walk around going up to strange ladies and calling them “old crone.” You’re gonna get smacked.
Wait, someone went on a trip to Aldovia?! That just got mentioned?!
This is how desperate ladies are in 2019: “Aside from the fact that he believes that he’s a knight from the 14th century, I’d say Cole’s the whole package.” I’d be like, does he have a job? Is he homeless?
Brooke is all, but what if time travel’s real? and her sister Madison is all “then you both need your heads examined.”
“Time to say good night to the good knight.” LOLZ
Cole is out..beheading tumbleweed snowmen or something in the yard.
The hot redheaded neighbor Allyson comes over. Brooke says he’s a cosplayer at the castle. She gives him the eye.
The douche “really did a number on your self esteem, babe,” Cole says, after his night of television.
Cole’s remedy for a back pulling: “Try wrapping his haunch bone against a hot cloth.” What the heck is a haunch bone? Hipbone. I checked. “Then add a healthy dose of boiled red ox gall, pork fat and cumin.” Where does one get the ox gall these days? Brooke claims “he’s from the land of the holistic approach.”
Someone needs to explain that “mead” and “hot chocolate” are not the same thing. I’ve tried both beverages and uh...I doubt Cole would think it’s mead.
Cole is sampling the dinner buns in the grocery store.”You can’t serve that to your guests, it tastes like cocket.” I looked at this word and I don’t think the defnition made that any clearer. But it means that Cole bakes, so he gets bonus points for that.
Brooke’s niece goes missing, Cole comes to the rescue and has her crawl like a snail off cracking ice! Good job, Sir Cole!
Officer Stevens and Brooke discuss how his memory’s not coming back but eh...I guess she’s fine with this...?
This was not enough to fulfill my quest, says Cole. He then attacks a robber with a rubber sword and still manages to be terrifying. “Shall we let him keep his hands?” After this, the officer mentions that he could be a cop, but would have to pass the psych exam first. Cole says he’ll study for it. Tshaw, like he knows what an exam is at all?
“This fancy neck ribbon seems like a torture device.” I’m sure wearing codpieces has to hurt more than a tie.
Brooke got him an orange and an American half dollar after Cole said he would get a hapenny and an orange for Christmas. That took some work to find a half dollar these days. Cole is touched. He is also a cheap gift that is easy to buy for, unlike most dudes.
There is a slight B plot about a single dad with four kids who can’t afford to give his kids warm enugh gloves, so Brooke and friends get them gifts.
Cole has learned the all important skill of how to selfie now.
The hot redheaded neighbor comes over with mistletoe, which Cole dubs “the dung plant that wards off evil spirits!” The neighbor takes the hint and gives up. But if Brooke’s the one with mistletoe...they make out, then his magic medallion starts glowing and Cole deduces that now’s the time to go home, he still needs to go to his brother’s knighting ceremony. Cole “pledges his service” to her, “wherever I may be,” which seems.... unlikely. Then he poofs away. Freaking time travel.
I haven’t really mentioned this plotline before because it’s not in there much, but at the start of the movie Brooke is dealing with a teenager who just got dumped and is all “fairy tales suck.” Now the kid shows up again saying her ex wants her back, but she just blew him off because life isn’t fairy tales. Uh....I was wrong, Brooke says. True love does exist! You’ll recognize it! Admittedly, this girl’s high school ex is probably not it, mind you, but the kid is now confused.
Montage of Brooke’s sadness. She cries over an ornament. Meanwhile, back in the medieval era, Cole reunites with his horse and his brother, it’s been several days. But now Cole is in love, so his brother is totes kewl with him bugging off for life or whatever.
Well, the niece got a puppy for Christmas even though her parents didn’t buy her one. Awkward!
Cole finds the crone and she whooshes him back.
“It’s Cole! And he brought his horse!” Seriously? The horse? You are my quest! We’ll just figure out how to live together when he has no ID or job prospects! Wait, he can just become a cop! Or open a bakery! they literally ride off on horseback.
In the credits, we go back to the brother’s knighting, and the crone is hanging about in the audience, asking for help. She shines her medallion at him and....cut to black.
So yeah, there’s gonna be more of this. If you want it. I dunno. This was somewhat lulzy but not enough to be very memorable about it, I guess? It’s fairly “meh.”
I did enjoy this snark: ”I'm glad that Vanessa Hudgens is leaning in to her new role as Woman From A Netflix Christmas Romance and collecting her paychecks accordingly. I really don't know what to tell you about Brooke except that she's almost exactly like all the other parts Vanessa plays in Christmas romance movies. What did you want, a SURPRISE?”
I was going to watch one more Netflix holiday special to review this season. It was going to be “Let It Snow,” which I heard good reviews about, but I was super bored after fifteen minutes and turned it off. So instead I randomly clicked on a movie called “Santa Girl,” which nobody has heard of and probably never will and yet I seriously thought it is one of the best “bad” Christmas movies I’ve ever seen. I’m gonna recommend it to all, it’s that entertaining to me.
So Cassandra Claus is a mopey teenage girl who’s beyond sick of the North Pole and being harassed and fawned over by elves (note: all 18 year old girls) everywhere. Her dad (Barry Bostwick, who is not even fucking trying with the beard or hair) wants her to take over the family business soon. Cassie realistically points out that nobody’s going to want a girl to take over being Santa, they want him. Dad’s response is, “People tend to lower their expectations when you’re handing out Christmas presents.”
Cassie has secretly applied to ‘a university in the real world!” and gotten in. The place literally has no name that I heard (unsure where the reviewer heard that one), so let’s call it Real World University, or RWU. I wonder how? Is she homeschooled?
Santa is at a party the Tooth Fairy is throwing. Larry Fairy is her son. His floating is terribly awkward. “Can I call you Santa?” “No.” Larry complains about inflation, Santa has no clue, Larry wants a merger. Since Mrs. Claus is dead and Larry’s mom is single and ready to mingle... Mr. Claus’s reaction to this is, “I’m going to walk away from you now, but only because I don’t like you or what you have to say.” “So you’ll think about it?” says Larry, leaving the show forever.
Cassie announces that she got into college, and education is important, right? “No, your MOTHER said that.” Dad does not approve. “We have the plan.” “I hate the plan!” Also, Santa betrothed her to Jack Frost Jr. when she was 3 days old. Santa says that his own marriage was arranged too: her father was Kris Kringle, his family owned a reindeer farm....
In retrospect, this bit explains a LOT about the movie, specifically why Santa is so utterly un-Santa-ish except when he has to be. He stopped eating sweets, he has a haircut, he seems to scorn most Christmas things that aren’t elves, and he hates reindeer (see below). Well, I guess if you married into the job, you might have issues with the tradition?
Dad agrees to let her go to college if she comes back and sticks to the plan afterwards.
Cassie has a magical wardrobe montage trying to figure out how to dress and act. “Hiiiiiiiiii! That’s an elf greeting.”
Jack Frost is an utter creepy creeper with terrible makeup, and he’s very upset about these developments. What if Cassie won’t come back? “I will not have my family’s fortunes resting on a flighty teenage girl!” Santa swears Cassie is level headed and responsible.
The other main character in the North is Pep, the Asian super hyper elf that is all over this damn show. Pep is Cassie’s “personal elf,” i.e. maid/babysitter, and is forced to go to college and be Cassie’s roomie, maid, bodyguard, lackey, whatever.
Santa has a lot of teenage girl elves working for him. This seems fishy.
While dropping her off at college, Santa tells Cassie she’s a princess with unique abilities and that will freak people out. “Don’t go zipping down any chimneys.” Don’t let them know how special you are,” he says. That said, Dad touches his nose and disappears in the middle of the dorm where everyone can see him, causing a random fat kid (sorry, but this is his only trait in the movie) to drop his drink in shock.
Pep has decked the halls in Christmas bling. “I don’t want Christmas decorations in August,” or any Elf on the Shelf behavior, says Cassie. “I’m too big to fit on a shelf,” says Pep. Even if you’re 159 in elf years, you’re going to be my little sister here, says Cassie.
Cassie gets hit by a frisbee thrown by “JR.” If that name makes you suspect he is Jack Frost, Jr, you are correct. Both girls have an instacrush on him and say he’s the prettiest guy they’ve ever seen. Possibly the only guy they’ve ever seen other than Santa, I’m guessing. Cassie uses an excuse to get Pep out of the way (this ticks Pep off, saying it could get her on the naughty list) and she and JR go to the bookstore, where Cassie has a “deceptively big bag,” and JR wants to ask her out. Cassie also offers her “emergency” money to pay for a broke kid’s books.
Cassie goes to a coffee shop and gets a snarky barista when she requests marshmallows in the hot chocolate. Alas, Cassie doesn’t realize the snark, but offers to buy everyone drinks. The barista, working alone, is not happy.
Cassie gets lost, misses class, magics herself into class in front of the fat guy, who loses his drink again. Cassie’s eating nothing but sugar for lunch also weirds people out.
The broke guy, Sam, finds and thanks her. Cassie thinks phones are magic and says her dad still writes with scrolls and parchment. “You’re kind of weird, huh?” Sam says. But he’s a fan of weird and campus isn’t weird enough to him. But JR walks up and invites Cassie to a party. Platonically, of course.
My, isn’t it frosty in JR’s room...which is to say his dad came to visit and is mad about Sam.
Pep: “Your dad would have a reindeer if he found out.”
At the party, JR gets Cassie vodka, she thinks she’s drinking soda and spits it out all over some girl. She hides outside, Sam finds her. When JR comes out, Sam is all “don’t spike drinks,” and JR is all, I thought you knew what I meant by get you a drink.” Dude, she said this was all new to her. Geez.
Jack Frost makes it snow in August and visits Sam, who is creeped out. He offers Sam a job, to watch Cassie and keep him updated. Sam doesn’t want to spy, and Frost is all, just be her friend, and here’s $500.
Pep interrupts a potential kiss between JR and Cassie.
Cassie is at the coffee shop again. The barista’s snark continues not to be recognized by Cassie. Sam comes over, pays her back and offers to tutor her in calculus. Cassie notes that “you seem like you would pretend to be good at calculus in order to hang out with me,” which Sam admits but says he will tutor her anyway. He also calls her the most elusive person he’s ever met and asks where she’s from. “....North...” Who the heck says that?
I have to like Sam. He is very average looking (think along the lines of Travis Birkenstock), but he’s sassy, makes chicken noises at her, and has a nice balance between sanity and “yup, this is weird” throughout this movie. He wants to be a lawyer because he was a foster kid and got helped by one.
Cassie admits her dad has money, her mom died when she was young, and it was her, Dad and the business and dad liked the business better.
Cassie continues to poof into class with no explanation, but at least brings the fat guy a drink now.
Cassie claims that she and JR are just friends, Sam tries to ask Cassie out, she is keeping his sweater, at least.
Cassie does dress up the room for Halloween. Sam wears a “This Is My Costume” shirt and gets sad and leaves when he sees JR around. Cassie sees him leave and looks sad, but doesn’t go after him.
Cassie does well in calculus, so Sam has it out with her. He likes her, she likes JR. Cassie is in denial, but says she’s not available, eventually admitting it’s because she’s engaged to someone she never met...then kisses Sam. After this, she admits to being a Claus from the North, which she isn’t supposed to be admitting to. She also notes that he won’t wear the red suit. Sam thinks this is going “full weirdo” and runs for it.
Pep spots Jack Frost lurking about and yells at him, he runs from her. Frost harasses Sam again, Sam thinks this whole thing is made up. Frost says she is who she says she is. “I’m not six years old, dude,” Sam replies. Oooh, everyone may think she’s nuts, Frost says, and laughs hysterically.
Sam’s response to this: “No offense, man, but your social skills are off the charts terrible. Spend more time with people. Have you heard of fantasy football?” I love Sam.
Next thing you know, Cassie’s secret life is all over the Internet, with terrible animation. A bitchy girl Just Happens to lose her phone in the water. Jr tells her that Sam is posting the memes. Pep says, “This is a misrepresentation!” and that elves are usually way more attractive. Sam comes over and is all, “I sat around making Santa memes? How much free time do you think I have?” Cassie friend dumps him.
Cut to, it’s Christmas, and Pep can’t help but decorate. Sam brings Cassie hot chocolate and marshmallows because “it’s like the season of forgiveness or something.” He admits to getting paid by “some old guy who works for your father.”
“What am I supposed to say to this?”
Pep goes to Sam, who says, “I never thought she was crazy.” Pep asks him about the employer guy. “Pointy face, creepy blue eyes, did you get the shivers when you talked to him?” I KNEW IT! Jack Frost is on the RWU campus!
Quote from Pep: “Look, i’m a simple elf. I make my toys, I eat my candy, I love to frolic.”
She wants him to tell Cassie.
Cut to The Dance (10 Days To Christmas):
Cassie stands there, looking sparkly and bored as fuck. JR shows up and they dance. He’s being fishy. Everyone stops to watch the dancing, which is quite flashy. Girl in the audience: “They totally worked on that...I’ve never danced with anyone like that.”
“Your dad must be really proud.”
Sam objects, saying, “Cassie, you deserve something better than a walking haircut in a nice suit.” JR punches him, Sam kicks him, dramatic music plays according to the captions. “You kicked me?” “I don’t know.” The audience is all, FIGHT! Cassie breaks it up or at least tries. She wiggles her nose and freezes JR’s fist so Sam can get one in. Did your father post that stuff about me? JR doesn’t know for sure, but it sounds like his dad’s behavior. Cassie apologizes to Sam, says she doesn’t belong here and her father needs her.
“What about what you need? Isn’t that more important?”
Cut to the wedding on Christmas Eve. The busiest day of the year, gripes Santa, and why are we doing it now? “That’s what the Jack Frost contract said.” Cassie isn’t smiling and her father says he hasn’t seen her do that in a long time.
Pep is telling the elves about the real world. “The boys just threw themselves at me.” Santa decides to bug out, leaving “Pip” in charge.
Santa magics himself to Sam’s house and Sam is all, “Santa?”
At the wedding, Pep stands up to Jack Frost, who is saying that the wedding has to happen before sunset or all of Kringle Industry will revert to Frost And Son. Guess what outcome he wants? After Frost insists on the wedding, Cassie and Pep have A Friendship Moment.
Santa brings Sam out to his styling car. “You expected reindeer, right? Everyone does. But they’re inefficient and they stink to high heaven,” says the reindeer farmer. “But I gotta use ‘em tonight. Part of the gig.” Santa hands Sam the contract and tells him to find a loophole while they fly. This baby here’s got 650 reindeer under the hood (how?). “Do I need a jacket?” asks Sam. “Nope, I’ll put the top up.” His license plate is HO HO HO.
Cut to the wedding, the bride and groom look sick, and some leprechaun is doing the ceremony. JR looks really sick. “I’m kinda freaking out.” As the leprechaun claims they love each other so dearly, Cassie blurts out “We don’t!” and calls it off. Santa Dad walks in and is all, “Stop everything!” Cassie already did! That’s my girl!
Cassie says, “I think I’m in love with you. Wow. okay. I just came right out with that.”
Sam does a mean hand wave in Frost’s face and lawyers, noting that the contract says that if anyone lies/misleads the other, “you know, like spying on her the last six months or spreading rumors about her,” then it’s off. Frost sneers at the idea of charity and says “Christmas cheer needs a patron.” Santa is all, I’m gonna go deliver presents and that’s not about profit, he loved her mom, was so lucky they got promised to each other. Cassie apologizes to JR, who is fine. “No way am I ready for marriage,” says JR. Pep is still interested in JR, though! Cassie magics Frost into the wedding cake. “What a waste of cake!” says Pep.
Dad watches Cassie smile. Some random lady we’ve never seen before talks him into eating a cookie. I guess she’s hot, so it’s fine. “I’m Santa.” “I know.”
“Uh, do you maybe wanna be my girlfriend?” “Yeah.” “Cool.” Cassie and Sam kiss. Sam is invited to stay, and Dad actually wants to eat cookies now.
“All right, your family is so weird.”
Seriously, Sam and his snark make the movie for me. I highly recommend this.