Chaos Attraction

Hanging With Mr. Badass

2007-01-04, 1:07 p.m.

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One more thing from the holiday files:

My mom's neighbor, Jim, is ah...quite the character. Has something like six kids and/or pets, including three noisy Rottweilers and a rabbit that roams the neighborhood and terorrizes the neighbor's cat.

He is also the owner of a karate studio, AND a repo man, AND a bounty hunter. Suffice it to say, if any criminals come into the neighborhood, we aren't worried. And he keeps an eye on Mom.

Anyhoo, my cousin-in-law Laurie was over on Sunday to help us clean out the cabinets/fend off an impending war between me and Mom. Connor (her son) is friends with one of Jim's kids, so he went over there to play. At the end of the day, we all go over there to pick him up, and Jim comes out and tells us some True Bounty Hunter stories. It ain't like a Stephanie Plum novel.

"Yeah, these guys don't want to be taken in because of three strikes, and they'll get 35 to life for stealing a candy bar. They'd rather be dead than taken in, so we just go all ballistic on them, we don't have to worry about having a warrant or destroying property, so we just go in and wreck the joint, taser the hell out of them. And you know those little beanbags you use for tic-tac-toe as a kid? We shoot them out of guns, and those things are HARD. You got a guy who's screaming, "You'll never take me!," we shoot him with one of those in the chest, and you can roll him over and cuff him. And I've got these handcuffs, we don't care about their comfort, let 'em hurt him. I let the kids play with them, and Connor wanted to try them on, and I said no, and he said, "My daddy's a police officer, it's okay..."

Then there's the story about the time all the dogs got out and Jim called the cops to warn them that the dogs wouldn't hurt anyone, they're just stupid. Well, I gather they slobber all over a baby in a chair, but if you pick up the baby, "the stupid one thinks it's a game" and starts getting snappy. Jim runs out the door in his underwear AND FLUFFY SLIPPERS to catch the dogs, and finds they're hanging out with a baby. Jim yells, "Pick up the baby!", forgetting what "the stupid one" is gonna do, and throws himself on the dog to keep the baby safe.

Then there was a period of time where Jim would take in homeless kids. Well, he took one in when he was 14 years old, and he'd had the kid there for two years and he thinks the kid is doing well, then he shoplifts something. When Jim finds out it was a bottle of vodka, he slaps the kid, in front of a cop. The cop is all, "I gotta arrest you for that, you know," and Jim is all, "I understand, cuff me," etc. They call the kid's dad, who threw him out in the first place, and tell him the situation. Kid's dad is all, "You slapped him? Good," and walks off. The cop is all, "That still doesn't mean you're off the hook for that." Later after Jim gets home and gets off, he sets the kid to digging holes in the backyard, but puts one of the dog shocker collars on the kid and says he'll use it if the kid slacks off. Jim says, "I didn't think it'd really hurt him. It barely hurts the dogs." Yeah, you can probably figure out on your own how this story ends. But in the end, I guess wacky corporeal punishment worked, as the kid is now married and owns four homes and is employed.

It's just amusing and frightening when you hear the guy talk, lemme tell ya. I'm glad he's on our side.

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