These days, relationships don't seem worth it to me any more.

I just have zero interest in playing the game. I'm tired of dating. I'm tired of people liking me. I don't care about getting into a relationship, and I don't think I want to even have them any more. I'm pretty sure I don't. Ironic, given that since kindergarten I've badly wanted a boyfriend. Now, however, the burning desire has disappeared.

I'm not happy single, really, but it's more of a relief. I'm not having the highs, but I'm not having the lows either. I don't have to be social if I don't feel like it. I don't have to try to squeeze someone else into my teeny bed or bother with getting a larger one. I can go to bed at 2 a.m. if I so desire. I don't have to cook for anybody. I don't have to meet their relatives. I don't have to hear nagging about when are we gonna get married and have kids already (not that I don't get nagged about getting a guy, but they can't nag me about kids right now). I can wear whatever I feel like beneath my clothes without a guy griping that isn't sexy enough (don't ask). I don't have to watch a movie every night of the week if I don't want to. And best of all, I don't feel like I'm on a fucking roller coaster all the time.

I'm most of all tired of my emotions when it comes to guys. No wonder I have no interest in getting high on illegal drugs/tobacco/alcohol- on the rare occasions I find someone attractive, men are my drug. Nothing gets me higher, nothing gets me lower. I'll be delighted with a guy for X number of months, then when the inevitable happens, I get very, very low. It takes me so long to get over the guys I've come to think that it's not worth it any more. It's like I have a hangover, which sucks away years of my life every time I fall for someone. I'm tired of being unhappy while I try to get over yet another guy. Given the time commitment every guy I fall for takes, I'm not thinking that it's worth it to chase men any more. The more this happens, the less I want to look for The One (if such a personage exists) any more. I don't want to take all the time, effort and misery it takes to find this person. I'm not sure if the payoff is REALLY worth it in the end. I think I'd rather have the steak. And I don't even LIKE steak.

I am burnt out on caring for others.

And isn't it sad that I already feel like this at my age? Shouldn't I be feeling like this at 45, not 23?

I have been feeling this way for quite awhile. Which, as you know from reading the journal since December, is incredibly BAD timing since all men in my vicinity seem to be getting the hots for me. And I just can't seem to care about it. I haven't even told the last fellow I was dating that I'm back in town yet, and it's been a week (though he's not the only one- I've only told a few people, plus whoever reads this journal, that I am back. Some people I never even told that I left in the first place.). I feel so sleazy about that, but I'm not wanting to actually tell him this stuff, either. It's certainly not fair to him to give some of the worst cliched speeches of all time, and I just feel like crap about it. I don't want to do that to somebody who doesn't deserve it because I'm having issues. I have guilt all over the place.

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