"You will be drawn to unusual professions during this period; however, they will not be to your advantage. Sudden changes regarding your professional direction are likely to occur at this time. You must avoid involvements with dubious partners. (74%)" -My Astro Advice horoscope.

Okay, now I'm really depressed.

Newspapers last night: Nothing. One possible part time/full time job downtown, but they said nothing else about it in the ad, which worries me. I'd like to know before I apply if I must have a valid driver's license or office experience. I found a nonprofit job I thought I could do, but they want office experience (plus literally, they want you to do EVERYTHING- um, all of that'll get done during a part time position's hours? I think not.). I could be an ag writer, if I was a "great photographer" too. (No, I am definitely not.)

I had to do the obligatory Mom call, and she immediately started in on me about what OTHER jobs I'd applied for and how I should work at Gottschalks because they'll give me a dscount on clothes. God, the perky drives me nuts. I'm already sick of having hope blown up my ass. I had tons of hope and optimism here, and all I ended up with was feeling bummed out again. You know what's sad? No matter how much I try to lower my hopes, I always end up feeling crushed.

It is so hard to get up the motivation to look for secretarial jobs. Or worse.

I've been off on this high for over a week now, between hanging out with Hill and feeling fairly sure I'd do well with this job, etc. that it hurts to come back down to My Real Life Sucks again. No Money Coming In again. Taxes Are Coming Up And They'll Want A Thousand Bucks Back again. (I NEEDED that money, I couldn't have it withheld, dammit.)

Liking how random Jolene's Hundred Things list came out � and because I really don't have much else to say, so this'll spark something.

1. I kinda want to go back home to the parents' again. For like a week or so. Preferably Valentine's week. I don't know if I should, and they probably wouldn't be too thrilled at my dropping out of the job hunt for that long anyway.

2. I also want to go back and stay at Demma's again, but I feel awkward about asking such a thing. I haven't talked to them since they dropped me off, and I feel bad about that, but I don't have much to say, either.

3. I really don't have much to do right now. I have about three things I could add to the weblog but nothing urgent, I read through all my favorite sites and answered e-mail, and there's nothing on TV to watch tonight.

4. I really wish there was something on TV to watch tonight.

5. I have no excuse to not say, read that Excel book.

6. I really, really do not want to learn Excel, especially not on my own free time.

7. I have no choice but to learn Excel if I want to get employed.

8. This doesn't make me any more motivated to pick up the book, though.

9. I hate reading What Color Is Your Parachute? It is depressing me no end. It essentially says that the worst way to get jobs is through ads/online, and the best way is to know people. I don't know any people. Reading that book (which I haven't even finished) is making me feel very sad.

10. I really want some new books to read. FICTIONAL ones. I feel like I've read all my old ones fifty times apiece. I'm tired of rereading them all.

11. Hill is playing Bon Jovi right now. I am finding it dull, somehow.

12. She was going on about how she wanted to go to dinner tonight and called up a friend of hers. I know I just went out to dinner with her on frigging Tuesday night and I shouldn't be off spending all the time and I'm not even that hungry� yet this is sticking with me somehow. I don't get it.

13. Maybe I should just spend the evening watching Buffy tapes. That might cheer me up.

14. I watched some old Season 3 episode I taped last weekend last night, and I have no idea which one it was called. It's the one where Willow gets kidnapped and traded for the Box of Gavrok. Not bad, though.

15. I am so bored right now. People need to post on forums constantly so my unemployed ass will have something to read all the time. Reminds me of ravana griping a week or so ago that nobody updates their journals in the middle of the night.

16. I'm thinking of making myself have another NaNoWriMo month starting tomorrow. Make myself write another 50,000 words in 28 days. I'm not sure I'll ever do it, though, since nobody else is doing it along with me and I'll have to push myself.

17. I would like to finish the novel at SOME point, though!

18. I want to talk to certain friends of mine I haven't talked to in awhile, but I just don't have much to say since the last time. "Still unemployed. Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, these worms taste slimy. How are you?" Why bother writing just to say that?

19. Feeling depressed sucks.

20. I am debating whether or not to go book-shopping and use one of my gift certificates soon. I so need a pick-me-up.

21. But on the other hand, I'm probably gonna need a LOT of pick-me-ups in my future, so perhaps I should save it or something.

22. I wish I had something that I wanted to do this weekend. I kinda wish I had a Super Bowl party to go to, like my parents used to throw back when the 49ers were in them. I don't know if I'll even bother to watch now.

23. I want something to look forward to in life beyond things getting worse.

24. I need a hug.

25. Maybe I need to get drunk.

26. I should shower tomorrow.

27. My hair looks weird in the braids that it's in.

28. I am so not bothering to pick up my clothes� or books� or papers lately. I just can't seem to care.

29. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot turn Shawn down. I literally can't get the word "No" out of my mouth, right now, saying it to nobody but my computer screen. How can I ever do it in person?

30. Would it really be so bad to be his girlfriend, anyway? Well, not bad, per se� I don't mean that. But it's not going to be a big old happy party for me like in the past, either.

31. It's not like I have a whole lot of real life friends at this point.

32. I miss the gang at my old work. But I can't think of what to say to them, either.

33. I'd like to see them again, but it would be weird.

34. I don't know what to do about that.

35. The one thing that I look forward to these days is snuggling under my electric blanket until noon.

36. My sleeping is getting a bit iffier, though. I've been dozing and having weird thoughts until about six a.m. when Hill leaves for work.

37. My lips have been really chapped for a few weeks now. They're constantly shredding no matter how much lip gloss I put on them.

38. Someone said on a mailing list today, "How come Buffy doesn't get a transcription job?" Where on earth can I get one of those?

39. Seriously. Anyone know?

40. I'm alternating typing these things with posting random crap to the Buffy Cross and Stake Spoiler Board. I'm debating whether or not I want to post enough to become a "regular."

41. Then I think "Geez, I really have no life if that's my goal right now."

42. Given my tarot obsession of late, I can't wait for Jolene to do a tarot blog.

43. I really should do another reading about what's going on in my crappy life.

44. I'm tired of being me.

45. I'm tired of having my problems.

46. My problems are either dire or stupid.

47. On one of the boards I read, someone posted something (about Buffy originally) along the lines of "Your 20's suck, all your relationships won't last because you're in your 20's and don't know better, the jobs are crappy and you can't get any, possibly even if you have a college education, and everything you like turns out to be addictive." I wanted to cry.

48. I have been meaning to post something about this story for awhile now. I so know the feeling of "I'm tired of fending him off and I can't find anybody I really want for myself right now."

49. I'm tempted to call Mom for some comforting, but that never works over the phone, and she'll most likely tick me off by asking me what jobs I applied for today.

50. The unemployment people will be pissed at me- I screwed up the mailing envelope and now it's gonna be late, late, late. Ugh.

51. I don't much like feeling alone with my worry.

52. Hill just came in to tell me about part of her linguistics homework where they're gonna estimate how many words they know. That sounded totally cool. (It's something like, take a page of the dictionary and count the # of words. Count the number of total pages. Then pick four random pages, count the words and see how many of those you know.)

53. This sure beats the homework assignment she had due today, which featured them having to come up with words that were the same except that one had a ch sound in the middle and the other had a j sound, or something like that. I helped her with that one because I knew of those crossword finder programs.

54. I'm so glad I didn't watch the State of the Union. Not that I ever have, though, unless Jed Bartlet's 'counts. I figure I woulda been really pissed if I had.

55. I'm reading forums on sites that I don't even post on for entertainment.

56. I feel like I ate most of the good food in the kitchen already.

57. They didn't show Remington Steele on TV today. I was bummed.

58. I hate how hopeless my life feels. That I can't do any better than applying for pukey little jobs that I'm not even qualified for.

59. I'm sympathizing with Jackie, who always says that she feels like getting her undergrad degree was a waste of time and money. (Why she wants to go to grad school, I have no idea.)

60. Turns out that Hill knows over 35,000 words, or something like that anyway.

61. Look what I just found.

62. I feel like career-wise I'm going backwards. This isn't even remotely close to what I want someday.

63. What do I want, you ask? I want a newspaper column. I want to get a book or two or more published, they can be fiction or non. I want to be slightly famous. I want to be able to write on my own without depending on others to get stuff done. I want to not need to worry about money. I want to be able to work at home. I want Cynthia Heimel's life, basically.

64. Problem is, I don't know how to get there from here.

65. How did anyone who got there get there? I have no idea.

66. As far as destiny goes, I have always felt like I was supposed to be a writer. As in, I can't do anything but. As in, I'm supposed to be famous for it for some reason.

67. Maybe I should learn how to bartend.

68. I feel completely apathetic and spaced out by now.

69. Looks like everyone else on chat right now is feeling similarly.

70. We're breaking out the imaginary booze.

71. Now some of them are saying booze only makes them worse.

72. Will 2002 ever get any better?

73. Melesse's telling me to use my gift certificates before I slip down any farther. I'm all "I've got a lot of slipping to go. I'd better save them for when I feel even worse."

74. I hate being optimistic. I only feel a lot worse when it doesn't work out then.

75. Amelia suggested that I take a class so I have something to feel good about. Good thing I signed up for the Barnes and Noble stuff.

76. Now everyone else is eagerly looking at the class list.

77. This thread about the Sweet Valley High twins having sex cracks me up.

78. I am wondering how to finish off this list. Amazingly, I've managed to blab this much about nothing without getting to the "Um, what else do I say?" point.

79. Man, I really want something new to read right now. Badly.

80. That isn't What Color Is Your Parachute or the Excel book.

81. I should really, really be reading those instead of anything fun.

82. Someone shoot me and put me out of my misery.

83. It makes me want to cry when I see people posting that people with three years of retail experience can't get a part time retail or fast food job, or that they've sent out 90 resumes and not gotten one phone call.

84. I wish Mom would shove her optimism up her ass and realize that things aren't going to be nearly as easy for me as she's had it.

85. Maybe I should go hit the bookstore, huh?

86. Too bad I read so fast that I'll be done with 3-4 thick books in a day or two.

87. Reading fast is fun when it's for homework, but not when you're running out of things to read.

88. The one good thing for today: The headache I woke up with went away and I'm not stuck with it right now like I thought I would be. When I wake up with headaches, typically nothing will get rid of them but 8 hours of sleep.

89. And at least I'm not likely to have to answer back to the landlords about next year until the beginning of April or so.

90. I should have applied for that other job, even if it involved Excel and I didn't really want it. At least I'd have something to put down on the unemployment forms.

91. Isn't it a shame that anything that says "work at home" is really a scam to get money out of you when you're already broke?

92. I found a great job online, but it was posted in February 2001. Crap.

93. Let's hope this is accurate.

94. It is a pain in the butt to be searching for jobs when the name of your town is the same as the governor's.

95. Did I ever mention that I met the governor's wife? Followed her around a school for a morning. Nice lady, have no idea how they hooked up.

96. I HATE LOOKING FOR JOBS.

97. Okay, hold the phone- something happy has occurred after all! Got a phone call from Demma- she and Scott are needing to go up to Napa and visit his mother in the hospital this weekend and they wanted to know if they could come up and spend the night, and then haul me along to Napa the next day 'cause I'm bored and all. Knowing these folks, who knows how long I'll be gone?

98. They are also um, bringing me a date. A fellow named David who is 21, tall and skinny and weird and sings well, but is apparently quite shy. He's already interested. He doesn't sound bad to me either. We shall see on this score, I guess.

99. D&S said that I could call them up for a visit whenever the hell I want to.

100. Whoopee!

If you guys don't hear from me past the weekend, you'll know that I've run off with them for awhile. But when I return, major mondo gossip for the journal is very, very likely� there's something about weird boys coming around to bring chaos into my existence.

I was a little freaked out last time, but this time I think I'm more ready.

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