Oh lordy, once again the unexpected happens. Chaos finds me, y'all. (I need some kind of "chaos"-themed title for this journal, assuming I can think of one. That sure seems to be appropriate these days. Anyone know of a word that means "attractor of chaos" or something?) Why can't I ever date without my life becoming a soap opera?

I was sitting around watching Survivor last night when I get a phone call from Demma- something about where we were going was snowed in and can we crash at your place for the night in about an hour.

Which, as you can imagine, made things interesting.

I currently feel kinda ... scared's not the exact word, but it's the closest to it. Nervous, anyway. Like "oh drat, now I get to deal with THIS again while all alone for the next two days." And oh joy, I'm going to get to deal with more of this in the future since I'll be at their place more often. And when Dave's off at work, I'll be alone dealing with this. Crap.

As usual, Scott did some arranging to be alone with me, and among other things (oy) I found out that the vacation was NOT going well at all. Apparently there'd been one hour of the trip so far that had gone well and the rest had been ugly. To the point where he gave her a warning: two months, and if things haven't improved...Her reaction was to grunt at him. Eeep. This is bad.

Between that and well, the other thing... lord, I just don't know what to do. I am so weirded out. I don't really have issues with the occasional kiss or whatever minor stuff, but I'm not wanting to do more than that, and call it a hunch the boy wouldn't be into it either. I don't think Scott really um, gets that. Gah.

I do realize that I sound like an idiot sleazebucket to the rest of the world, and I'm completely agreeing with you on that assessment. I am so clueless on the whole monogamy thing, you have no idea, and it's hard to explain to normal people why I don't get it. I could say "how confused would you be if things were the other way around?", but I don't think that would explain the confusion too well either. But I'm so not used to it. I am not used to the whole "property" thing, or the concept of saying "No, I can't, I have a boyfriend." I don't much get it anyway. (Yes, I'm one of those people who defines cheating as sex, period. Stuff other than that, I'm not bothered by it. On anybody.) I should probably be saying this to Scott, but given his thoughts on the monogamy thing I don't think he'll get it, much like the ex didn't years ago. At any rate, I don't much see what it can hurt when I don't have any intention of going farther. (I can't say the same for Scott, but I'm in charge of that, so too bad.) Or maybe I'm just a big ol' chicken. Yeah, I think that's probably it.

Lord, why can't I just manage to be conventional and normal? I'm so embarrassed that I'm always having stupid crises like this come up. Every time I start a journal, even when I'm having a dull life at the moment of starting, things heat up. Scary, isn't it? Y'all with normal, conventional lives have it so much easier. Unfortunately, trouble seems to find me all too easily, even when I hide.

And it turns out that yes, they do know the secret that I've been hiding from everyone (in this town, anyway). Lord, everyone over there knows about it. They asked me why I'm not talking about it, and I said that people are gonna freak when they hear because of the timing right now, but if I wait awhile they'll be less weirded out. They're like "How long?" and I'm like "Six months or so?" They then laughed at me. Sigh. I am tempted to tell, but then every time I think about telling I think of the reactions I'm gonna get and think better of it. Maybe later. Though I did actually attempt to tell Jackie in e-mail, but then my e-mail did some kind of weird dump and now I don't even know if she got it or not. Gah.

Anyway, they're most likely going to be at my place for the next few days until Friday afternoon (I get the feeling Demma is more chipper when other non-Scott folks are around), when they were going to haul me back to their place for the weekend anyway. We're doing lunch most likely today and then doing my shopping trip for the skirt afterwards. Hence why I'm writing this while at work when I'm supposed to be typing- but oh well, I need to slow down here anyway, right? But when else am I going to get an alone moment to write an entry for the next five days, even if I'm probably not posting it right off the bat. Man, I felt like I was escaping for private time as I left to go to work this morning. How weird.

I wish Dave was here right now. For so many reasons.

Though hey, at least the phone call with Mom went pretty well. No screaming, anyway. Some comments about how when she's mad at me she tries to be nice but it keeps bursting out of her anyway, but other that that it was pretty pleasant.

Post-lunch update: I was reluctant on some level to do lunch downtown today, because I knew that all my ex-coworkers would be swarming about and it would be weird to run into them, especially after having dated one of them *sigh* I tried to pick a restaurant I knew they didn't go to very much, but wouldn't you know it that I spotted some of them, including the guy I dated, walking RIGHT BY the restaurant we were in? I just wanted to die (and ended up hiding in the bathroom). I am so juvenile, I know, but I feel major guilt for leading that guy on the way I did. I didn't know what else to do, I figured I might as well just try dating him, but it just didn't work for me and now I feel awful about it. Scott had to tell me to stop yammering and feeling guilty about it already. But given that I'm yammering about the guilt in here, well... that should tell you something.

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