Last night Dave started messing with my scanner- I'd tried to scan in photos of us to show off, but they came out with weird lines across them- and then griped at me a little for the screen being dirty. He cleaned it, but we still don't know what's causing the streaking (presumably a part inside the thing that we can't get to). Oh yeah, and he's also decided my computer needs defragging (so sue me, I forgot how to do it- that was something the ex and a ex-roommate would do on occasion to it when bored). And he made a comment last night about him not meeting me for lunch today because he'd be cleaning my room. Eeep. Yes, I'm aware it's fairly pigpennish around now, but him cleaning it? Oy. He said he'd meet me for lunch this morning though after I hinted around, so maybe I'll get lucky and he'll forget to.

He also wants to teach me to cook. ("I am not going to be the only one cooking around here.") I'm generally not good at it- I can manage a few things if nobody's around watching and commenting/criticizing, but I turn into a cranky biyotch while doing it, and I really don't want anyone else but me (who would expect the food to be good, or anything beyond barely edible) to eat it. My mom and I would get into very nasty fights whenever she tried to teach me to do ANYTHING, so what few skills I know I figured out on my own. Him teaching me makes me kinda nervous, though he's not exactly gonna yell at me for it or anything, and if I get cranky he says he's sending me out of the room until I calm down. Mainly I know how annoying I am to teach when I'm being taught by someone close to me (i.e. someone I don't have to keep control over myself around, like family/boyfriends/exes), and I hope I don't get all well, pain in the ass about it.

Sometimes I wonder if unconditional love can survive one person being utterly bloody annoying... and messy...and a pain in the ass to teach how to do anything... and having issues up the wazoo... I worry about that pretty often, actually, especially with people who aren't related to me by birth and thus aren't completely stuck dealing with me for eternity. (I'm not sure how a fiance falls into that yet.) When you're single, you tend to forget about what traits you have that would drive others bonkers to have to deal with- and when you get coupled again, it all comes flying back. This is the kind of thing that makes me wonder if I'm really supposed to be single because I'm an enormous pain to deal with. I know, I know, I'm paranoid.

And speaking of paranoid, we went out for Chinese last night and wouldn't you know it that one of my ex-coworkers was in there. It's one I like and normally would be all thrilled to talk to, but once again I flashed back to the whole guilt-dumping-ex-coworker thing. Plus, well, it's pretty obvious when you see us for more than five minutes that we're together, so I kept thinking "I look so evil, I bailed on him and immediately found someone else, and she's gonna see this, and what if she tells him about it? Gah, I hope she doesn't, I don't want him to feel even shittier. Oh CRAP." I asked to sit in the back of the restaurant and sat with my back turned to her. I presume she saw me at some point, though. I know, I keep going on about this, but I think I behaved like crap to the fellow about it, and every time I see somebody that knows him I'm reminded of what an ass I was and then I go inwardly flagellate myself yet again. I try most of the time to not be an asshole in life, so when I really blow it (usually regarding guys who like me), I flagellate myself over it forever.

And did I mention him saying that he was really looking forward to being a dad and that babies on both sides of the family run really big? Seriously, I was whimpering and going "Adopt! I'm serious!" I don't think he thought I meant that, though...

Is anybody else reading this and thinking of that song with "Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to GET me..." ? I just wondered.

Anyway. Things aren't as bad as they sound, I'm just a scaredy-cat for some reason lately.

Update, post-lunch: Looks like the cooking lessons are off for now- Dave wants to get pizza and avoid cooking. I was obviously delighted. I mentioned some of the above "I'm gonna be a pain" stuff, and he said if I got moody, "I'm bigger than you and I'll just sit on you. Don't think I won't do it." Heheh.

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