Today I hung around Mom’s house watching Christmas in July on Hallmark. Sadly, she was into the “Movies and Mysteries” channel, which frequently seems to have the Hallmark dregs. Such as “Christmas at Reindeer Lodge,” which features a very blah woman named Molly (her friend at the start had so much more charisma than her, I thought that lady was going to be the lead) who wins a radio contest trip to Jamaica, and because it is Hallmark, that secretly translated into “Jamaica, Vermont” and a Christmas inn. Suffice it to say that Molly has the wrong wardrobe and was kinda led down a primrose path here because the inn is in trouble because the free range reindeer that normally hang out at the lodge somehow aren’t here this year. Uh.... Also, the dude is very bland. So if you have two noncharismatic actors, it’s dull and more obviously ridiculous than usual. The one after that, “Hearts at Christmas,” featured some drama about a nice lady who didn’t look over fifty at the most (thanks to Hollywood, she’s probably 40) being forced to take early retirement from the NICU due to hospital budget cuts being made by a hot guy, and the lady’s protege objecting to that. I kind of zoned out at this plot.

I also found out that, well....You know those stories when people have a list of what they want in a boyfriend, they write them, and then they get someone like that who has every trait but maybe 1-2 of them? It turns out that MOM did that sometime after Dad died. She didn’t know when she wrote it but she did show me the list. It was fairly short and mostly stuff about how she wanted a guy that was actually considerate of her, because lord knows my dad was not.

She told me on Saturday that Dad once told her to go fuck herself, and he never consulted her when he bought anything, and he basically did what he wanted...and then was shocked when I said that their marriage never ever seemed happy for a second and why didn’t they get divorced and I am genuinely shocked that I exist (and that they were still having sex 6 years in). She said he came off very differently and well...showed his true colors later, I guess. Ugh. I’m not gonna say I didn’t love my dad, but he definitely had a jerk side and now I’m hearing more of it. Kinda like her dad, ahem....

As for her list, she got everything except that Roger doesn’t send cards. I think that’s unreasonable to ask a dude to do, honestly. It’s like wanting a straight dude to dance or like hot weather. I’d certainly enjoy it if a straight guy actually liked that stuff, but he’d be a fucking unicorn if he did because that’s nonexistent in all straight dudes I have met. Guys are naturally boiling hot and don’t dance much, what are you gonna do.

I decided to try this AGAIN (I have in the past and I am the only person this has never worked for, but since I am going to meet a lot of new people at storytelling events this month, I figure the time is ripe for meeting people out of my normal range) and I read her some of the list, and then she told me I am too picky and should cross things off the list. God, mom, no wonder I have fucking complexes.

I stayed at Mom’s house too long because after a while she started picking at me. Like I lost my sunglasses hiking around after the funeral and when was I going to try to find them down there? I said multiple times that I have no idea where the fuck we went so I can't retrace my steps for that, and she continued to bitch me out anyway. I took a shower there to wash the Farrah Fawcett look/hairspray out of my hair from yesterday and then she wanted to watch me style my hair (which generally means she’s gonna nitpick and complain about it), and then we argued over “why don’t you believe anything I say, or listen to anything I say?” and then she basically said in response that I whine at her and act like a kid. And I was all “well, you behave better when you’re getting your way, that’s why I act like a kid, it keeps you happy.”

And then when I was all, “I’m packing up my shit and LEAVING,” she was all, “Wait!” and then immediately tried to get me to go through her damn clothes again. I can’t help but notice that the clothes she wants me to judge are basically everything that is “meh.” I neither like nor dislike. It is bland and okay. You probably wouldn’t miss it if you didn’t have it. Not to mention that her face has commentary that is always the dead opposite of whatever judgment call I make--if I say get rid of it (like this 80’s...workout suit), she looks sad, if I say keep it, she looks sad and wants to pass it off to me. Come onnnnnnn.

I don’t get why Mom starts to make me fucking crazy come Sunday afternoon if I’m there long enough, but at least I can now leave on my own.

So basically I stomped out the door around 3 p.m. and I did attempt to go to the creek and look for the sunglasses when I got back...and then immediately got headed off at the pass by a woman leaving who said there was a creepy dude out there that she was afraid was going to rob her. I took the hint and left. Well, I tried....and that’s what I told Mom, that I tried to look and didn’t find. I left the rest out for obvious reasons.

When I got home, Jackie sent me a long e-mail essentially wanting to drop a huge long text on someone for flaking on her, and what did I think? I wrote back saying that kind of shit does no good and then they never talk to you again, so don’t send it. Her response was “oh, I did send the text messages anyway...I did run it by a couple of other people some said don’t send it other said send it and then I said forget it I’m just going to send it do and what I want.” Because she wanted to teach her a lesson. I just don’t even know what to say to this, other than to sigh and go, “Whatever, fine, she'll never talk to you again but I guess that's what you want."

I haven't told Jackie about the new car yet. She will absolutely object that I didn't go through her cousin or get a Honda or Toyota and I am just not in the fucking mood to have that argument like, ever. Sigh. I will have to sometime though.

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