Another not-doing-much day. I walked around another park looking for signs and didn't find any. I read the Nora Ephron book. I got gas and groceries and wandered through a few fun stores but didn't buy anything. Very dull. Grocery Outlet is weird: I couldn't find trash bags to buy but did find another toilet brush (god only knows where mine has gone) and a cup phone mount on a slinky stick for my car.

I did apply for that job listing I mentioned--I last applied for it in 2015 and they have a different director now, so I revised the resume and cover letter and I hope it's better. I have zero expectations of getting it, but at least I tried again, so there's some adulting points.

I can't figure out the weather today, it varies between kinda hot, kinda cool, sometimes windy and sometimes just plain weird. I sat in my car for 5 minutes and it got MUGGY. I don't even know here. I got my chores done for the day, made a trial ascot for the Fred Jones play and started on a headband for it. Didn't work on the Encanto skirt..oh well, I guess.

I had to tell Mom about the Scott situation because of the outstanding "I have to find someone to take these extra Lion King tickets" issue. Good god, did I not want to have this conversation. It went well enough for MOST of it and she didn't super piss me off for MOST of it. I asked what the deadline would be to let her know if we're not using the tickets--she said can I get anyone else to go and I said no, I cannot so if he doesn't go, I'm not going and she can give them to the neighbors--and she said "as soon as possible" and I said "does that mean I have to ask tonight or can I postpone this for a week," and she agreed to a week. I pointed out repeatedly that's how working in retail operates regarding scheduling because she kept saying. "it shouldn't be THAT HARD," and I said "they haven't been able to hire anyone on weekends for literally 3 years, there's like ONE person they can get on Saturdays, so actually yes it is," so even if we were on good terms right now I can't poke that with a stick until a week from now, reasonably speaking. Like I have never worked retail, but my exes and various friends have and I know how it goes scheduling-wise.

She said it's okay to ask him what his relationship with me is, and I said frankly, I've been edging towards wanting to ask for the last few days. Because he does NOT ACT PLATONICALLY with me (she was all "well, that's you, I hug people all the time and it doesn't mean anything," but four times in a day?!) and if he really, truly wouldn't fuck me if I was the last woman on earth, then he needs to stop touching me like he wants to. She did say I should ask what he wants the relationship between us to be--I don't know if I can do that one, maybe--and then she said, "I think he wants a relationship and you were the closest thing." But he doesn't really want you. So great, I'm just a warm body he was settling for, I guess. Which very well might be true.

Then she finished up with lecturing me about dating, how I can't get over someone without finding someone else (untrue, had to with all my exes because I could not find a replacement) and "you can just go out for coffee" (she knows I hate coffee!) and finally, "If you'd just change your appearance...." and "if you don't change your appearance, you get what you get," AND THAT'S WHEN I LOST IT. "I like how I look," I said, I want a guy who likes how I look without having to fake being someone else to "catch a man." AND I AM FUCKING SICK OF HEARING ABOUT MY CLOTHES AND MY HAIR WITH HER. I politely told her I couldn't take this conversation any more and I was about to cry and hung up on her. Goddamn you, Mother. You're supposed to be the only person on the damn world who has to love me unconditionally and you can't do that. Really, she should have heard all the compliments I got on my tie-dye last night. She may hate my clothes and hair and who I am in general, but not everyone does!!!

On a note of being me: I was going to wear my new fake-Bridgerton-cottage-core dress I had the mailing issues with to show to Sierra, noticed it's a bit see-through in the bum, thought, "I need to put a pink skirt under this," went into the cabinet and randomly found a freaking Carrie Bradshaw tutu. I don't even know how I have this, but it was perfect to wear under it. Life of me.

Rehearsal: Scott was there even though he specifically didn't have to be there--they said anyone singing in the wings didn't have to come for Belle blocking night. He was looking darned cute in a blazer, no less (sigh). I don't know why he stayed the whole dang night, just hanging around in the wings doing not much. I think he wanted to be the baker/be onstage, but they won't let him because they want to put makeup on him, but he could have just gone home afterwards instead of milling about in the wings. I continued to avoid him again using the same techniques as before of sitting in the upper middle so he can't get to me and walking out the far side instead of the side everyone else is on (I kind of wonder if he was hoping I'd go out that way because he was kind of hovering and not leaving right off, but nope). I feel bad about it, but also like he deserves to be shut out from me. He didn't pick me, did he.

Of course I still want to be around him and see him, but.. he's not going to be mine, is he? Is there a point in doing that? Is there a point in speaking to him at all? I want to be with him so bad, but if he doesn't want to be, do I have it all wrong? Clearly if I get him wrong, maybe I just need to avoid him for life so I don't get the wrong idea. If I say anything to him, that may not go well.

I really want to say something. But that'll just...What I want to say is going to blow up everything. I wan to say that he sure as fuck doesn't act platonic with me and I want him to look deep into his heart and figure out if he really, truly wouldn't want me if I was the last person on the planet. And if he'll never ever want to be with me, then STOP FUCKING TOUCHING ME AND LEADING ME ON THAT HE CARES, and I'm going to just be polite to him in public and not try to be close to him from now on if that is his truth. And if he does really have feelings for me...let's just go with it and try polyamory. I wrote that out tonight as a practice and I really want to say it, but should I? How?

Back to actual rehearsal talk: Belle blocking night was entertaining, as basically everyone in town is being catty bitches and snarking and saying mean shit about Belle onstage while going around in circles. Sometimes pointing is involved. It's a shame I'm going to be hiding my mouth for the rest of my life in public now. But I do get to laugh when LeFou gets knocked over, so finally the laugh comes in handy for something.

In "who's sick today or not" news, Elissa doesn't have covid but has a sinus infection. Rachelle and her family went to Disneyland and half of them got it, which according to Steve means the rest of them will soon. (Guys, maybe this is why we don't take trips any more? Or shouldn't?) Annie and Molly are all clear and were back tonight. Sierra just went to Mexico, which annoyed me because I was going to show her my dress. People volunteered to be wolves today--not I, not wearing a dang hot plastic mask in covid--and everyone just tried on the same mask. Um.... In other news, Alisa said she had to play a gargoyle and stand there wearing an ugly mask and she wasn't happy about it. I was all "um....we have gargoyles in this? This isn't Hunchback," and "when did this get assigned?" and "oh well, glad I'm not doing that, I guess."

Quotes (all Steve unless mentioned otherwise):

"You're looking for fun? You're in the wrong place."
"Remember in a breakfast, the chicken contributes, the pig commits."

Jean has now been appointed the baker, even though it says "messeiur" (I think Scott was hoping to be assigned that, but he got told he'll have makeup on, so no stage for him) and she yells for Marie with the baguettes. Steve at first said "They're aunts. That live together," and then later declared Marie dead.

"Ryan, you can do Gaston tonight and if it goes well, you can do the rest of the show."
"These are some weird lyrics, it's almost like the Zodiac Killer."
Jean asks if she should offer people rolls. "You' are very cheap with your rolls. Also, they're plastic. That's why they're the same old rolls."
"What is this, a Disney show? She has no mother!"
"Jean, ditch your bakery."
Belle is supposed to be surrounded by kids. Except in this show, "it would be a bunch of kid and that would look dumb."
Steve is having us do a butt walk. "Butts out." Kat: "Handled."

Steve wants people to mill about the fountain, but "that doesn't mean you're not taking a poop in it." I later tried to pick coins out of the fountain and got told not to, the only time he noticed me doing anything all night. (And probably for the rest of the show.)

"You guys move to Anatevka after this."

Someone asked Steve if he was going to be the fourth Silly Girl. "I want to so badly."
To Scott, doing nothing but reading his phone backstage or whatever: "Scott, you're doing great."

Steve: "You're all a bunch of catty--" Me: "Bitches? Someone else: "Except Leo." Leo: "I can still be a catty bitch." Me: "We'll get you a t-shirt for Catty Bitch Club."

"You guys are the nastiest little town. Turning it into a town without pity."

Rachele-related (note: she was Marian in The Music Man):
Steve to Rachele: "You're sneering at her? You're supposed to be the kindly bookseller!" Rachele: "Oops?"
Boris: "Is she a librarian again?" Steve: "Basically." Me: "Typecastng."
I note that she is apparently supposed to have a wheelbarrow of books. Me: "Is that the bookmobile?"

Annie is OBSESSED WITH "I'll get the knife."
Steve to her: "You're not Norman Bates."
Annie: "I have the knife on me at all times."
Me: "You must be fun at the airport."
Me: "Looking for any way to get the knife in."
Annie: "I'm a little obsessed with this line, guys."
Steve: "So Annie, you're playing Sweeney Todd again."

Annie wonders if the town ladies are supposed to like Gaston (also if our husbands are all dead and are all lesbians now). "Do we like Gaston?"
Rachele: "We're stupid."
Annie: "I have the knife, I'm not stupid."
Alisa: "Are you drunk?"

Everyone else: "Oh, look, a marriageable man." -Sarah

"Standing around all day is boring." -Eve

Today is the final day for my request about signs. I didn't see any while walking around, but I did see a license plate on the way to rehearsal: (heart) 4SAIF. Like...safe?" I thought, but when I got home I Googled for the word and what did I get? "Arabic name that means sword or scimitar, also it means the protector of something." Scott's last name has sword in it in German.

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