I did sleep more last night. Not sure how un-conscious I was, but I was only up in the middle of the night once, and I was in some kind of haze dreaming about Pete Buttigeg (why????) and the alarm actually woke me up today. So theoretically around 9 hours of sleep. That was nice.

Work: fairly quiet, spent literally all day dealing with mail drama, which by the end of the day was finally sorted out. Hope is going on vacation the rest of the week and Dianna is out sick until September, so I'll be the only one left. I hate this. Nothing but hard emails for days and days and days, which is admittedly why I put that shit off today and yesterday and had Hope do them today (she was helping me with mail drama Monday).

My boss also started counting how many in-office days everyone was working and told me to take next Friday off from that, and also told Dianna (when she returns) she needs to do more, because I have 31 and she has 27. I said "well, if we have to do a minimum of twice a week and I had to do makeup days for being out for 2 weeks...." Ah well, we'll see. So only one in-office work day next week.

Therapy was interesting today. I said I got diagnosed with (by which I mean, BUSTED FOR HAVING) high blood pressure at the gynecologist, and she said "do these people know you get anxious at these appointments?" and I said "no, they're all new doctors, mine all retired last year," and she said I should check my own blood pressure to figure out what a baseline is and it was probably just being stressed.

While we were having that conversation, she asked what my insurance was and then said that they have actually started taking out-of-network providers and I could, after all these years, finally get them to pay for it. I haven't put that in yet (see below for why) but I should, because that would solve all the "I feel obligated to quit" problems, for sure.

Among other issues, she said as time goes on I will care less and less, that's where I'm going with the whole guy thing because all I can do is make up stories, especially when it's not like he's going to tell me what's going on, and it's easy to get resentful and angry. I said I am trying to live in that place now with regards to him in order to get over it. When someone literally doesn't want you around, it's doomed anyway. Remember, he's a closed door, he doesn't want you, etc.

We also talked about what would be ideal in therapy ("and don't say as it is right now!") and in my mom, and in the latter I said I just wish she was calmer and it wasn't so easy to set off a volatile reaction in her over well, most of anything.

After work I did emotional clearing class #2, during which I took better notes as to what we were doing. The same premise of "think about X with your hands on your forehead/stomach for 10 minutes" thing over and over again. She talked about how the body remembers past traumas and gets triggered.

So this time we were to dwell on our feelings of being alone, our beliefs, ability to know what we want and ask for it, boundaries (hahah), generational trauma, your negative feelings about any relationship in your life (see above), and then finish by visualizing yourself being happy alone, which I wasn't really succeeding at.

I did not feel "cleared." I felt upset and scrambled and a bit like crying. She said to give it more time, do some journaling, throw the journaling away...I may just do screamintothevoid.com again for that

I felt pretty roasted and scrambled after that: all I could do was stuff face, read a little and I attempted to make myself cold pasta salad. I am addicted to Suddenly Salad's ranch pasta whatever-it-is, but Safeway is frequently out of it, so I attempted to make my own by cooking some fusilli pasta (which I did not fuck up, yay) and mixing up all the remaining mayo/ranch dressing/bacon bits in the house.

I don't have much energy tonight and can't really concentrate on shit, I may go to bed early.

previous entry - next entry
archives - current entry