I pissed off people in chat again.

Somehow we were discussing how people (why on earth did I type "people?" It's only women that ever get stuck with the word) don't say "obey" in vows any more, and I mentioned that the only place I'd heard that in was when we got handfasted.

Now they all know what I'm like in there (hell, some of them probably even read that entry), and a few were all like "Why on earth did you say that when you didn't believe it? Couldn't you have found out ahead of time what they were going to say? (Well, no, actually- the guy that did it was running around busy all day and we waited an hour for him just to get un-busy.) You could have just objected right in the middle of the ceremony. Or just not said yes to the obey part." (Right, like I could go "I say yes to the love and honor part, but that's a nix on the last one.")

And they got very upset when I said that I didn't want to get in trouble/cause a scene by interrupting in the middle for that, so I just went ahead and said yes. I was at a Renaissance Faire, after all, where everyone pretends to be authentic Renaissance-era people, and presumably it should have occured to me at some point that they'd use er, authentic Renaissance-era vows. And I can only imagine how much shit I would have gotten into had I stopped the ceremony and said "No, I will not fucking 'obey!'"

(Just to confirm this, I called Demma last night, and she confirmed that I would have gotten into a nasty shitload of trouble had I not vowed to obey there. She also had a lot of "Oh my god that would be SO BAD"-style laughter at the thought of it. Dave (who was at their place at the time) wouldn't even let me ask Scott's opinion on the matter because he feared his reaction.)

Then they got all upset at me for breaking a vow and lying about it. "How can you have a marriage if you lie right off the bat?" Well, um, that wasn't exactly a long-term binding ceremony there where I was signing papers- they only last for a year anyway. And we did it as a symbolic thing. Saying that only upset them even more. Apparently I was supposed to regard this as a legal marriage? Huh? Maybe it's my lack of religious upbringing and belief coming up here, I don't know. I thought it was more important to not say "obey" in front of the relatives during the actual official ceremony.

I just don't have the balls to stand up for what I believe in and interrupt a ceremony so I'm not vowing to say something I don't believe in, because honesty is so very, very important. Anyone who's read this journal should know by now that I don't exactly value honesty above all else in my personal life, and will do WHATEVER it takes to keep the peace, no matter how much it harms me, because I value a lack of fighting more than I do honesty any day of the week. I don't have the balls to do that, and I never will. Isn't that obvious to everyone by now?

After one person said that I was lying to Dave by not telling him that I don't want children, I signed off of chat. No need to make the conversation even uglier.

Lying little me didn't mention the last part of the chat fight, but did mention the vows thing to Dave. At first he was all "But I vowed to obey too." "Uh, no, you didn't. I noticed they only changed it for my vows." "Well, I wasn't feeling well! (Another insomniac night.) I wasn't paying that much attention!" Oh yeah, I can just imagine everyone's reaction to you saying you weren't paying attention during VOWS. "If I'd been paying attention, I would have objected. And it was just symbolic anyway, it's not like you're going to say obey in the actual one anyway." Which then got into a conversation about how about during the actual ceremony, they'll switch the vows so he says obey and I don't to fuck with my family's heads (his family would be like "That's Dave for you."), but that's another story.

*sigh*

As for lying to him about me wanting kids... well, I've never said outright that I ever wanted any, just that I'd really rather wait until later in life to discuss the issue. I've told him that the entire giving birth thing scares the crap out of me beyond belief, and that I think I'd be a scatty parent since I can't manage to keep anything else alive and don't give a damn about domesticity. He seems to keep thinking what he wants to think- assuming that someday it will happen anyway. He has tried his damndest to talk me out of being scared of the whole thing (hasn't worked because my fear has gone way beyond logic, but he's tried), and tells Nikki to shut up any time she goes on about the nastiness of pregnancy to me. He doesn't believe I'd be a scatty parent no matter what I say. But no, he hasn't seemed to clue into the deep er, sense of reluctance I keep expressing to him. And yes, I keep letting him assume.

And no, I've never outright said to him, "No, I don't want children, never have, doubt I ever will, and even if I change my mind on that, I'd rather adopt teenagers in my 30's than give birth to my own babies in a few years."

Realistically, I know he wouldn't dump me for not wanting to have his babies. He's said if we can't have kids, that's fine, he'd rather have me. It's not quite the dealbreaker That Question normally is for us. (And in all honesty, given how heinous pregnancy is likely to be for me, I think he'd change his mind about having more than one after seeing me go through all that crap.) But I'm scared to death to say it anyway in case, well...

It's not like the have-a-baby pressure is ever going to go away for me. I'm an only child. He's half an only child. Even if he didn't want any, he'd still get bitched at. I'll always get bitched at. Is not having babies so important to me that I'd rather give him up and spend the rest of my life searching for someone as good as him that doesn't want kids and won't change his mind on that? Well, no.

Not to mention that let's face it, my track record on Things I Said I Will or Will Not Ever Do is incredibly bad. In the past I've vowed to never pierce my ears, never like pizza, never eat sushi, get my driver's license at 16, and never get engaged. I made incredibly big public stinking deals about all of these things, and others as well. And all of that by now has gone out the window. And I wonder why nobody believes me when I say things by now? Hell, given how I am I'll probably flip-flop, hormones will kick in, and I'll be absolutely dying to have a baby at 30. I can't very well say with certainty that that won't happen to me. And should I lose the fellow for a question that in the end, I don't really know the answer to? Then again, I could very well be the reverse equivalent of Diane in this entry, couldn't I?

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