Y'all really might as well skip this entry if you're not in the mood to hear about kvetching. No funny in me today, I am not doing well.

Spent a neck-achy, bitchy, unhappyish night Thursday. Glad I didn't go out, lemme tell ya. I forgot how colds really make you feel. I mean, one sore throat and a neckache and suddenly your whole body's wiped out? The hell? I made some necklaces for Mom and then my neck hurt enough that I didn't want to keep sitting up, so I collapsed into my papasan chair to watch Amazing Race. Yay lawyers.

Then I called Mom to break the bad news. Oh, that was such fun. You don't wanna know. I won't even get into it.

I have agreed to go home on the 21st. She said they are getting new net access tomorrow, so I'm doing the happy dance of no more AOL joy. Whee! At least if I move home, things'll be fast and I think updating this site won't be a problem.

Somehow the problem of the godawful relatives came up. I don't think I've mentioned them too much before, but Dad's side of the family (who I mandatorily only have to see for Christmas at this point, but there's no way of getting out of it) is pretty jerkass. Every year since I got out of high school, all they can talk to me about is why I'm not engaged yet. No joke. "Well, they just don't know what to talk to you about," Mom would say. I would reply "How about school? How about work?" Would they do that? Nooooo. Instead, they focus on how weird it is to them that I made it past the age of 20 without an engagement ring. Yes, I am aware that I do have some boys I could tell them about now, since I ruined my 2001 goal of not dating all year long. But no, I wouldn't tell. It is absolutely none of their business unless I actually do get engaged, I think. I wouldn't introduce anyone to the family unless I knew they'd be stuck with them forever.

Only now, they have something new to rip on me about, my lack of employment. That oughta be joyous. NOT. Mom said that they would NOT be made to shut up about it and will ask me horrendous question anyway and there's nothing I can do about it (I am NOT allowed to tell them off or she'll kill me). She even said it was okay for me to throw a crying fit and lock myself in the bathroom this year. Good god.

Then it got into this whole thing about how they HAVE to talk to me and I basically don't want them to, and why else does she think I bring a book and hide in the corner every year, and then she went on about how come I gripe that they want to talk to me and that my grandfather (who I just don't like or love and can't work up any positive feelings for, but that's another tortured post for later) not talking to me pisses me off too? There's a difference between general neglect and "I don't fucking WANT to talk about my love life to you! EVER!" when that's all they want to talk about, that's why.

At the end of the conversation, she started nagging me to read this book she bought me, Joan Lunden's "A Bend in the Road is not the End of the Road." Now, I normally HATE this kind of thing when she does it. For my birthday she bought me Iyanla Vanzart and Gary Zukav, both of which have remained untouched. (I am so sick of Oprah and her converts, you have no idea.) It should tell you how very bad I was feeling that I did, in fact, start to read the thing.

And so far, not all that impressed. It's about a tough time in Joan's life- leaving GMA after 20 years, which she wanted to do (3:45 a.m. doesn't get better even after 20 years. And I thought I was having sleep issues.), but yet was afraid to start over again. Oh boo hoo hoo. I'm sorry, but I'm just not relating to that all that well. When she quit her job, I'm pretty sure (despite one reference to her possibly "downsizing") she knew she could still afford to have her three kids and her home and car and whatnot. Not remotely as big a deal, I don't think. I weep for you, honey.

Slept for 12 hours. Whee! Am feeling better now (no neckache, anyway), throat isn't acting up too much. Ended up in a big ol' fight with Mom this afternoon about how she thought I had strep (I don't) and should go to the doctor, which was oodles of fun. She thinks that I'll infect her and Dad. Hello, why do you think I'm waiting to come home? Partly so this'll be over with by then, duh. I'll probably be over it by Monday anyway, right? She said if it wasn't gone by Monday, I'd better go to the doctor. Sigh.

CA unemployment tops 1 million. I should just kill myself now. I have no hope for myself any more, I really don't. I can't survive on this paltry money, I can't find a job in the old crappy hometown, I can't deal with a handicapped parent and screaming on a daily basis with no hope of escape any more. I'm just tired of everything being crappy and only getting worse and worse.

I do NOT know where my mother gets this constant optimism from. I look at all the ugly facts (like the above link) and I don't know how she can fool herself into thinking that everything will be all right soon. I can't fool myself and lie to myself that way. And people who aren't stuck in the situation blowing hope up my ass feels like � hope being blown up my ass. It's easy for anyone who isn't in it to say "Oh, you'll be all right! Everything will be fine!" just to shut me up. Yes, I know I can't worry about it ALL THE TIME, but how can I NOT? I'm starting to have major panicking going on. I eat something, I think of how much it cost and how I won't have as much of it and that eventually I'll run out of it and then have to buy more, and then I'll be even closer to moving home, so I really should just stop eating. I am trying to distract myself with net surfing and the television and the jewelry making, and it works, but this is gonna keep on keeping on, you know? And I have so much less experience than everyone else in the world, and the more I look at job listings and find that no, I'm not qualified for that, or that, or that, or that, or these jobs are all in Sacramento, and lack of a car (even if I could drive, ain't no way I could afford a car) and lack of comprehension of Excel, which I took a class in and STILL don't understand how it works to this day, are completely fucking me over. I wouldn't hire me. Why should anyone else?

Anyone else reading this and thinking I need anti-anxiety meds? God, now I'm starting to think that I do, not that (a) I could afford them, (b) would want to take them, and (c) can't possibly calm down about this stuff when my entire life here is in jeopardy even if I'm drugged to the gills.

And I'm supposed to deal with relationship stuff on top of this? Do I have ANY brains at all? No, I definitely do not. That's what I liked about not dating and having nobody like me. Lack of NEW complications all the time. Not that I really need to worry at the moment, since I got e-mail from Shawn saying he forgot there was that office party tonight, said if they go out later he'll call. I indicated general unemployment woes and crabbiness that he wasn't missing out on. Huh. I dunno what I'll do later. Depends on my mood, I guess.

Shock of shocks, if anyone remembers that I mentioned not hearing back from one friend when I sent the layoff announcement around, I heard from her today. Specifically, received a Christmas card from her saying she was leaving school after this quarter (out of time, interest and money) and didn't have a job yet, but was working on it. She asked me to e-mail her, so I did. We'll see what happens from there, I guess. I was pretty pissed to not hear from her when it happened, but I'm guessing she had shit going down as well.

Okay, I think I REALLY need to find something else to do besides bitch in the journal. Update the weblog or something. I may add something in later to this entry if things come up later, though.

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